A few weeks ago a not-so-business-savvy individual sent me an email about a job opportunity. It seemed sketchy yet promising at the same time. I was told to email a certain "prominent" business owner if I was interested. I was intrigued, so I did. I received an email back from his very unprofessional secretary (the girl sounded like she was in high school and had
horrible writing skills). In this email she failed to mention
anything about the job. All she told me was to "keep trying and hold to the dream" and "make sure you're really serious about this. Don't waste my boss' time. He doesn't like that." Then she gave me a whole schpeal about who this guy was: "He's the most amazing new business owner in the world...made his first million at 18...is only 23 now...has overcome
such great odds!!!" Oh please, cut the crap. We can
all argue that we've overcome "such great odds." That's life, sugar.
So I decided to cut out the middle man and add him as a friend on facebook and email him myself (He later let me know that because he's "so busy" he doesn't always check his own account. He has "people" to do it for him - cute, right?) He emails me back and is impressed by my drive. And, yes. You better believe I have one. I graduate in May and need to line up a job. ANYway, I let him know that I've heard absolutely nothing about the job and am not sure what he's offering. He proceeds to ask me what I'm looking for. I lay down the law and say I'm strictly looking for a writing/marketing/designing job because that's what I do best and I'm passionate about it (seriously, I don't give a shiz about money...especially after being in college/poverty - I know I can live off a mere 200 bucks a month...) He then tells me to come up with some "lotion, potion" idea and pitch it to him so that we can take it to this big company that apparently helps little guys like us start meaningless business' like Xango or that Alaskan Blueberry "curing" drink. Not to mention he would be my business partner and make half of what I make. Sounds like a killer deal, right?? I called him back a few days later and said, "No - I'm not passionate about some obscure lotion or potion. Give me a writing/marketing/designing job or I'm walking." (I failed to mention that this was after a two hour phone interview where he kept "name dropping" and letting me know that he's rich and single and is a
big deal and not to give away his phone number or any other phone numbers that he gives me...mmk. Why would I do that anyway? He also knows that I'm married but kept dropping "single" comments - oh yeah, and lots of girls wanna have his baby... This conversation went in circles and I was just as confused as ever as to what he was offering by the end...let me remind you, this guy "doesn't have time to waste." I don't know what you call
that but it was definitely a waste of
my time and I don't appreciate that). Just to see if he really was a big deal, I emailed one of the founders of
Zinch.com,
Mick Hagen, and asked him if he had heard of this guy as well as any of the other names this "professional, prominent business owner" had dropped. If anyone credible were to know those names, it would be him. . .and he had never heard of them. Becoming more and more sketchy...
Unfortunately, I was still intrigued because I thought I was going to get my dream writing/marketing/designing job so we decided to set up a face-to-face interview for Sunday. (That was actually nice because I was able to hang out with my mom and her bf in Park City with Jake and Scout...we took Scout to a dog parade where all the dogs were wearing costumes including Scout. It was awesome. Especially the part where Scout pooped in the road). ANYway, we decided to meet Sunday...at
some time. I texted him around 11am and we didn't meet until after 2pm. At Arby's. Classy.
The interview: the first thing this douche bag asks me (in a very condescending tone, I might add) was, "So why'd you get married?" Umm...because Jake is the shiz and I love him. The end. No, not for sex. No, not because I'm insecure and felt I "needed" someone. No, not because I went to hair school and know I need more of an income than that. No. Because I love him and he's perfect for me and we are totally independent and love doing our own things as well as love LOVE doing things together. AND because we can talk about anything and because he is truly my best friend. Make sense, heartless, creepy guy?? Alrighty, let's get started with the real interview. Oh wait, nope. Not yet. Then he wants to see my ring and tells me that if I had known him a few months before he would've referred me to his jeweler friend (then he flashes his Rolex at me - which he bought from this fantastic jeweler - and tells me to guess how expensive it was. I said a thousand bucks because I don't know and, frankly, don't give a crap - he laughs and says, "A thousand bucks?? What?? No, this was like $15,000." Oh wow, thank you for sharing that with me. You now seem 15,000 times more legit and mature...oh wait). Alright, NOW to the real interview. The guy hands me a NDA (non-disclosure agreement...which by its standards, I'm being totally legal because I haven't said his name...not like I'd disclose anything important anyway because NOTHING IMPORTANT WAS SAID!!) I then tell him my marketing ideas and whip out some designs I had been thinking of to help market his product. He loved my ideas. And then he gave me business advice for the next hour and a half. Well, thank you Mr. Partonizing, unprofessional, young man. I am SO enlightened. I mean, I've heard this all before but your money and your name have me absolutely
starstruck... He then tells me to come to this "super awesome meeting" where all of these "big names" are gonna be in November. So...wait. What about the writing/marketing/designing job?? Not to worry. He offered me an "affiliate" position with his company. Isn't that sweet?! I getta tell people about you and if they come to you for business services, I get 15%?? OMG, HOW NICE!!! No set income?? That sounds PERFECT!! Thuper... (that's "super" with a lisp for those of you who don't hang out with me often).
It gets better.
He then tells me that I should probably bring a swimsuit to this meeting. Why? Because he likes to see girls he works with in swimsuits. Oh wow! Thank you! I'm SO thuper flattered!! Not like I'm smart or perfectly capable of doing a better job at what YOU do, but whatev!! I'm a girl!! I have boobs!! I MUST have a hot body, right?? And that's pretty much all I'm worth, right?? RIGHT??? (PS, if you read this Mr. Douche Baggy Unprofessional Sue-Happy Prick and try to sue me under the terms of the NDA, I WILL sue you for sexual harassment. Deal? Deal).So, I am again confused about my dream job and am pretty much not looking forward to this "big meeting" (after telling him I would not be bringing a swimsuit, but who knows? Maybe I'll find one for Scout and bring him!) so I email him last night with a fabricated story about being out of town for the week of Thanksgiving and therefore, cannot make it to the mtg. He then proceeds to tell me this is my only chance to "make it big" and that they are not having another one of these meetings (oh yeah, I can only get into the mtg if I invite others who will, in turn, have to pay to get in - sounds awesome, right?? Kinda like those Pinnacle Security douche bags who have no dignity and no integrity and hate their jobs, but HEY! They're makin' money!) ANYway, he then texts me and says, "What's with your email?" so I say, "What do you mean?" knowing perfectly well what he means. So he says, "Well why didn't you just call?" (umm...why didn't you just call? You obviously have your phone on you...) so I say, "Sorry, I'm at work and can't call and like to get things done immediately. That's how I work." Which is true, btw. He then tells me that he doesn't work that way so I get ballsy and say, "Y'know what? You're gonna work with a lot of people in the business world that work differently than you and you're gonna have to learn to get along with them. That's business :)" (oh, the superficial smiley face that makes everything better). So he says, "Yeah I know but that's not my point." Well then what is your point? He then adds, "good luck" and the texting is over. The end, right?
Nope. His current facebook status:
"I find it interesting when someone tells me to tell them how to make some extra spend cash and all they do is blow the oppertunity because they are fearful. Remember people who succeed have fear as well, they just do it anyways."
Dear Mr. Ball-less, unprofessional, single, inappropriate douche,
Numero uno, I was looking for a job. NOT extra spend cash. Numero dos, you spelled opportunity wrong. Numero tres, I'm not "fearful." In fact, I have more balls than you and would like to tell you that you need to grow a pair of professional balls and that I have no intentions of working for a 23 yr old prick that wants to see me in a swimsuit. Numero quatro, I will succeed, and you will eat your words. Thank you for being patronizing and unprofessional. It has been entertaining and has provided the info for this very long blog post.
Erin aka hot girl in swimsuit.
