Foxy Pink Cheetah

Life is Beautiful

2012-02-02T17:59:00.000-05:00

I'm going to get real cheesy and serious for a moment...and I'm not quite sure how to put it into words.

You know when you play a certain song that just takes you back? Like, one summer, you had a playlist and there was that one song you repeated over and over and over again. And every time you hear that song it takes you back... You remember with almost perfect clarity how you felt during those times.

One of my most memorable playlists was right smack in the middle of an identity crisis. The "Mormon Exodus" one.

I listened to some of those songs the other day (this one in particular) and I remember how I felt. Confused. Hopeful on some days; hopeless on others. Depressed. Strong. My emotions were all over the place. It's hard to put them into words.

I know you've all been there. We've all had our own identity crisis or hard time. Whatever you want to call it.

The other day, I played the above song...and it struck me. I made it out of that. And I really didn't think I would. And I'm not just okay, but thriving. It's hard to be in that "identity crisis" place and see a light at the end of the tunnel. But here I am, feeling my baby boy kick, my husband is studying right beside me, one dog to the side, another at my feet...

For a while, I couldn't see that light at the end of that tunnel and I didn't think I would.

And here I am. I've been outta that tunnel for a while.

Life is beautiful.

Random Shit

2012-02-01T07:51:00.000-05:00

1. People are still playing music on their blogs. Non-pregnant Erin disliked it. Pregnant Erin wants it to die. I always forget that the music is going to start so, when it does start, I jump EVERY TIME. Really, I'm mostly just bugged that my dignity is hurt because I never learn to push mute. Here I am, vowing to remember that someone has music on their blog and to push mute, and then I forget. And then I get startled. And then I want to throw my computer (which is already broken). Pregnancy, guys. It's a beautiful thing.

2. Little Jack gets the hiccups just about everyday (that I can feel). I love it so much...which kinda makes me feel guilty...because I hate the hiccups...but I'm kinda selfish. I love feeling this little boy move...so I love his hiccups...even though I wish I could rub his little belly and make him feel better.

3. I had a minor breakdown in the baby aisle at Target. I went to get bottles but there was SO MUCH STUFF. Diaper pads to throw in your diaper bag, burp cloths, socks, bath time stuff, breast pumps, pacifiers, and a whole ton of different types of bottles (just to name a few). I stood in that damn aisle for an hour just staring at products. Completely overwhelmed. I ended up tearing up, started to feel myself get hot, grabbed a pack of bottles (that I had been staring at for about 20 minutes), two pairs of $1 socks, and then I booked it outta there.

4. My boobs look fantastic - clothed, at least. Naked, they're like obscene, porn star boobs. Kind of scary.

5. (And this is the most important) I had an ultrasound last week and I can't get over how CUTE Jack was. He was very awake (and seemingly aware) and was sucking on his fist. He'd suck on it, take it out, put his fist down, bring it back up to his face, and put it back in his mouth. He seemed very deliberate about his movements. I was dying. It was so cute.

Bonus: I can guarantee you that there are going to be lots of blog posts about this little boy because he will be a GIANT part of my life, but I sure hope I don't forget to blog about other things that are important to me... Or to "lose myself." You know? Where do you moms find a good balance?

Wive's Tales?

2012-01-31T08:50:00.000-05:00

I'm a skeptical person. About most things.

So, naturally, when I started googling "am I having a boy or a girl?" and found plenty of articles about wive's tales, I didn't believe them. Just about all of them pointed to "boy" but reading those articles felt like the equivalent of reading my astrology report for the month. I just don't believe in that stuff...

But, sure enough, I'm having a boy...and just about all of the wive's tales about having a boy were true for me.

1. He hangs so, so low. I'm barely 21 weeks and my back already wants to break.
2. Bright yellow pee. Gross. I know (and this is coming from someone who drinks lots of water and...don't hate me...forgets to take prenatals everyday).
3. Manly cravings. Beef and milk (and green beans). Especially at first. Candy and sweet stuff sounded disgusting for those first three months.
4. I was hardly sick at all. I barfed ONE TIME because I gagged on a toothbrush. At 8.5 weeks, I asked the doctor why I wasn't feeling very sick and if everything was okay. I got an eye-roll as a response.
5. I felt...attractive. Especially at first. My skin was "glowing," my hair thick and full of body - and my BOOBS...oh, my boobs...

I'm sure there are more, but those were the most common ones I found.

The major wive's tale that DIDN'T point to a boy was his heart rate. It was in the 170's just about every time we went to hear his little heart beat.

Did wive's tales ring true for you?

Weird Pregnancy Quirks: 4

2012-01-30T09:29:00.000-05:00

I'm sure I'm not the only one to experience this...

But when you find out you're expecting you begin to care less and less about most things. Except for baby bathtubs, diapers, clothes, crib bedding, and the like.

I really feel like I can, and will, say anything I want. You're bugging me? I'll tell you. I think you're the coolest person on the planet? I'll tell you.

But, in all seriousness...the things that have almost come out of my mouth!

For instance, I work at a place where I need to be nice to people...but as soon as someone gives me attitude, I very willingly give it right back - playfully. My mom would be proud. But I just don't care what this person thinks of me...and as soon as they can tell, the air is cleared. Ice is broken. You know what I mean? As soon as you're not impressed, they give up the act (or just get pissed...but I don't deal with those people anymore - I pass them off...before I say something I will really regret).

And a few people have given me pregnancy advice that was unwanted...and my response was GOLDEN (unless, of course, pregnancy hormones made me THINK they were golden - which is very likely as well).

I kind of feel like a superhero. Like, if someone I really didn't like were to say something horrible to me, I would just laugh. Really laugh. And I would win. I just don't give a shit.

I feel like I can say whatever I want.

Remember my missionary post? If they were to come over, I'd feed them, and tell them that I was completely not interested and to not come over (unless, of course, they really needed food).

Pregnancy rocks.

Weird Pregnancy Quirks: 3

2012-01-27T09:00:00.000-05:00

While I had a couple of very scary, pregnancy-hormone-laced moments, pregnancy has made me uncharacteristically cuddly.

You must know this about me: I'm not a hugger. Not even a little bit. And while I was cuddly as a toddler, I grew out of that.

When Jake and I first got married, I thought it was kind of weird that he wanted to hold my hand, snuggle on the couch, and kiss all the time. ALL THE TIME.

Oh, how the tables have turned. The poor man is always trying to study for school...when all of a sudden, I'm on him like this (Do you guys remember those?? So awesome.)

My poor dogs are also enduring this new, cuddly Erin. Scout loves it. Lucy...it scares her.

I'm just praying Jack will be cuddly to keep this trend going.

Oh, and HAPPY FRIDAY!!!!

Weird Pregnancy Quirks: 2

2012-01-26T08:00:00.000-05:00

First of all, how many of you moms slept like a dream when you were pregnant? Just because it would probably be inaccurate of me to say, "0% of you!!" I'll guess that a tiny, TINY percentage of you were able to sleep okay during pregnancy.

For me, terrible sleep began right at the beginning. Not even because I was uncomfortable. But because I went from sound-sleeper-who-can-sleep-through-earthquakes to "WTF-is-that-noise?? Oh-it's-just-my-husband-breathing-quietly."

So if Jake moved at all during sleep, Erin's scary pregnancy hormones turned her into someone they both didn't know.

On one particular night, Jake put his arms under his pillow and his elbow *just* grazed onto my half of the bed.

I flailed off the covers, grabbed my zebra-print duct tape, stood on the bed, made as much noise as possible while ripping it off, and taped the bed in half. "Don't even touch the tape. Stay on your [expletive] side!!"

Jake: terrified.

Lights off, Erin goes back to sleep. Irritated. Heart still pounding.

Then all of a sudden, she hears a sound that sounds oddly like tape being slowly ripped off of fabric.

Jake was taunting me. The little shit.

Covers flailed off again. Lights on. "What the hell?? I neeeeed that there! You don't understand!! You always go past your half of the bed!!"

"Erin, this is stupid, and unnecessary."

I get defensive, "I'm STUPID??? This is totally necessary!!"

I grab for the tape in Jake's hands. He yanks it back. I grab for it again. He's more coordinated than me - this only infuriates me more.

It's almost midnight. Tired, and very, very irritated, I grab my computer, say a few curse words, and leave the bedroom (mind you, I go to bed at like 9:30. I'm pretty sure if restaurants knew this, I might qualify for their senior discount. Dinner at 4pm makes SO MUCH SENSE!!)

Anyway, Jake is a lover, not a fighter. He wants any issue (especially issues he doesn't understand) to be solved right away. I, on the other hand, can sleep on it and get over it.

ANYway...Jake thought it would be a great idea to follow me down the stairs to solve the problem. Ay mi madre. I whipped around and told him to leave me alone and go back to bed. He persisted. Irrational, hormone-high Erin...decided to do something she would regret forever. (I don't know why I'm talking in third person...)

While telling Jake to leave her alone (in not-so-nice words) she slammed her computer on the stairs...and broke it.

You know those moments that right when they happen you think, "Oh shit. If I had a rewind button, I'd be pushing it right now..." Yeah. That was one of those moments.

Jake immediately says, "Oh my gosh. Did you break your computer?"

I gathered up my computer...and it's pieces, ran into the bathroom, and said, "NO!"

I locked myself in the bathroom and began fixing my computer. It was still on. The screen was dark. It was just the screen, right? I can fix this...right???

Jake, now standing at the door, "Is it broken?"

"No!!" I sounded like a five year old kid who just got caught doing something really, really bad.

Jake went back to bed while I unsuccessfully tried to piece my broken computer back together.

After one more failed, frantic attempt to fix my laptop, I gave up and went to bed.

The next morning, rational Erin was able to fix her computer (with the same duct tape, hot glue, and plugging in the screen).

Pregnancy is fun.

Weird Pregnancy Quirks: 1

2012-01-25T08:00:00.002-05:00

At first, I didn't notice. Like a virus, they crept into my system until they completely took control. While still thinking everything was normal (my mom would say I was delusional) Jake knew something else was going on. Something not so awesome. Especially for him...

...I'm talking about hormones, ladies (and gents...if you're still reading). And they successfully completely took control two shockingly terrifying times.

Not that our relationship is perfect, but Jake and I really don't fight that much (except when I "back-seat-drive"). However, pregnant Erin wanted to kick Jake in the balls a few times (don't worry. I didn't go that far. Jack's brothers and sisters are in there!!)

On one particularly scary night (for Jake) we arrived home from a lovely evening out with some friends. I went into the bathroom only to discover that "someone" hadn't put the toilet paper on the roll. This someone noticed that we needed toilet paper and decided to put a new roll on top of the old roll. Pregnant Erin's logic said, "WTF??" So I said, "Hey, Babe, it would totally help me out if, when you saw the need for toilet paper, you actually put the new roll on the thingy and threw the old roll away." At this point, I'm not even irritated. Then Jake said, "Well, all I had to do was blow my nose. I didn't even need to sit down. I figured it was the person's job who was actually going to use the bathroom."

"WTF?" Irritation begins setting in. "Buuut...you obviously saw the need...it takes two seconds. Why didn't you just do it since you grabbed the roll anyway?"

"Like I said, I didn't even need to sit down. I blew my nose, put the toilet paper down, and that was it."

Erin now red in the face - kind of irrationally. "What the hell, man? You were the first person to see the need and you use that bathroom more than me. All I'm saying is that it would have taken you two seconds to put the damn roll on the damn thingy. Ooookaaayyy???"

"But I didn't even need to sit down."

Erin flips a pregnancy lid. Curse words fly. Jake looks scared. Erin stomps (literally, stomps) up the stairs. Then, just to make more noise, throws a brush (THROWS A BRUSH) down the stairs. I'm laughing as I write this.

Needless to say, Jake gets it. Even when he doesn't "need to sit," the roll is on there without fail every time. Thanks, Pregnancy Hormones!

To be continued...

Okay, sometimes I'm a bitch...

2012-01-24T19:27:00.003-05:00

Now, while I can be a bitch (and we all know I'm not shy about expressing my opinion on this here blog) I'd generally like to think I'm a pretty nice person. I'm nice to people at the mall who try to sell me things (because I've been there), I'm nice to servers at restaurants regardless of food/service quality (unless, of course, the server is rude) - but I've been there, too. I mean, most of us have been there, right? We know what it's like to be on the other end and how a nice or incredibly rude person can really make a difference in your day. Whether good or bad.

Recently my mom and I were talking about some people. You know, the people who are not that nice/classy/lovable/[insert appropriate word here] everywhere they go.

I recently posted my opinion against letting your baby "cry it out" on someone's Facebook page (oh, lord...facebook). Now, while I completely understand why some parents do it and their logic for it, it's just not for me. Especially with a brand new baby. (Source)

After expressing my opinion, someone commented shortly after me and said something along the lines of, "People against letting their baby cry it out are OUT OF THEIR MINDS." Instead of thinking, "What a douche! This person just attacked my self concept! I'm not out of my mind. WAAAH!!!" yada yada yada, I thought, "How weird. Who says that? And what's their motive?" I know, I know. I should know better. People say whatever they want when behind the computer screen. I've learned that over and over just from this blog...But really, who says that? And what are they like in everyday life? Are they always like that?

I have a hunch that the person in the following video...is probably like this everywhere they go...and holy smokes. I kind of want to punch this snow sport enthusiast in the throat.

First of all, this reporter seems like a nice enough person. Second, she's doing her job. Her producer is the one who told her to go there. Third, guaranteed, the snow tuber in the video is probably a bitch everywhere she goes. At clothing stores, at restaurants, at the bank, on facebook, and even when she's sledding. Those kinds of people...are always those kinds of people. Always.

Baby Update

2012-01-23T19:00:00.000-05:00

Jack. We're naming him Jack.

Even though I've been pretty whiney with this pregnancy ("Baaabe, I'm tired." "Baaabe, I'm hungry." "Baaabe, rub my back." ...I have a very patient husband), I've also been pretty lucky. I was hardly sick at all. Sure, I had my share of nausea, but it wasn't nearly as bad as what I've heard other people go through. I was mostly turned off by pretty much ALL foods at first - and lost five pounds in the first trimester. I didn't know how to feed myself when all I craved was milk, green beans, and beef. Candy sounded disgusting - which is usually my main source of...food...(if you can call it that - I know, that's a bad habit I need to kick). I threw up only one time due to brushing my teeth. TMI? Whatevs.

Now, I'm over that. The second trimester hit, and all was good. I can eat what I want without getting sick which is great.

Speaking of the second trimester, how many of you were really showing in your second trimester. I'm just shy of 20 weeks and have a very, VERY tiny bump (compared to pictures I've seen on BabyCenter of other women in the same week). I'm just a tad concerned that he might not be growing like he should. I have a doctor's appointment this week so I'll keep you all posted.

My favorite part? I can feel the little man move!! Holy smokes!! Why didn't I get pregnant earlier?? This is the coolest thing EVER!!!! He has this little routine which is so cute. I can tell when he wakes up because he stretches. For real. I feel this weird movement/pressure, and all the sudden, I've got kicks, punches, and flips happening in my guts. I love it.

Okay, enough update. Now for the good stuff.

I'm genuinely torn about work. I really love my job. I love the people I work with, I love what I do, and I love the kind of autonomy I have at work. At the moment, I plan to go back...but I would need a raise. I just don't make enough. I'd only be paying for daycare. Literally. I'd take a pinch of my income home for...gosh, not even for bills. It would hardly cover that.

So, what did you guys do? What do you suggest?

Take a minute to sign

2012-01-18T13:54:00.002-05:00

Do you like blogs?

Facebook?

The internet?

Then sign this.

Or it could be the end for those things - and your freedom of speech.

Pregnancy perks...or not...

2012-01-09T21:10:00.004-05:00

I used to joke with my mom about my little boobs and the AWESOME boob job I was going to get (you know, the kind I could take off at night)...and holy shit balls...it's no longer funny.

The little man currently growing in my guts (and making me feel as though I have indigestion all the time - which is the coolest thing EVER) has given me more boob than I can handle.

Like, I'm not even half way through baking this boy and my used-to-be cute, little perky ladies are now decorated in veins and stretch marks...and are GINORMOUS. G-I-N-O-R-M-O-U-S!!

You guys...I can't sleep at night.

Apparently pregnant women are supposed to sleep on their side - preferably their left. But as soon as I lay down and attempt to get all comfy...I find myself suffocating in a big billow-y mass of stretch-mark-y, vein-y BOOBS. The no-longer-cute, little perky ladies (I think now is a good time to yell, "BOOOOOOOBIES!!!) pile up around my throat and there's just nowhere to put the girls. I've tried stuffing them under my armpits (which was a big, fat fail), spreading the suckers out to give some room to the rest of my body...and guys, they are out of control. And then I don't know where to put my arms around the mountainous beasts. Sleep is a party.

So, to all of you women who are well endowed before pregnancy - keep 'em. I don't want them anymore.

Drum roll...

2011-12-28T18:20:00.001-05:00

Baby is a...

BOY!!!!!!!!!!

In T minus one hour...

2011-12-28T10:50:00.002-05:00

...we friggin' find out if Baby is a boy or a girl. I can stop calling it "he/she" or "it." If I find one I like enough, I might even be able to give it a name soon.

Any last minute guesses?

Mini update

2011-12-22T18:19:00.002-05:00

Blogger is apparently undergoing some technical difficulties. I checked my blog only to find my entire sidebar missing from the right side. So, I tried to switch it to the left, back to the right, split it up and put it on both sides. Blah blah blah. So now my sidebar is a "bottombar" - you will be able to find it at the bottom of the page until I can figure this out.

FYI, you guys really delivered on that last post!!

I will surely be getting both cloth and disposable (using the disposables a little more), I need to get a carrier, a boppy, a bumbo (did I say that right?), burp cloths (how could I have forgotten those?), and I will also be telling EVERYONE who gives me advice that is not asked for, "Oh. Well my pediatrician said..." Amazing. Among other things. I honestly might print out those responses, highlight a TON, and go to the store/add some things to my registry.

Very seriously, thank you for your responses. I really feel like I'm floundering because I have/had no idea what I need/ed. Now I have a pretty good idea.

Dear Experienced Mothers...

2011-12-22T08:54:00.000-05:00

Before you read this, you must know I'm desperate. This homegirl doesn't dig asking for advice. You should feel like we're having a bonding moment right now...because we are...

So...

What do I need? Like, really need? What did you use? What didn't you use?

So far, my "need-list" has some obvious staples like a crib (and all the necessary fixin's - not including a baby bumper), basic clothes (socks, onesies, hats, sleepers, etc), a stroller/carseat combo, a video monitor (of course I could just get a normal monitor, but I'm kind of a freak. If I can't see the baby, I'm going to be sneaking into its room every five seconds - possibly waking it up - just to make sure Baby is still there/breathing/comfortable. A video monitor will give me a lot of peace of mind), pump, bottles, pacifiers, toys (how soon do they start playing? I'm obviously very NOT used to babies...), bath time products (do I really need a baby bathtub?).

And diapers. While on the topic of diapers, cloth or disposable?

Hussy and I have had a lot of conversations about this. Are cloth diapers worth it if you're doing laundry everyday? Are disposables worth it if the blowouts are much worse than with cloth so you're doing tons of laundry anyway? What cloth diapers will actually save us money AND time? What disposables are the best in terms of coverage and comfort?

I'm so confused. There are so many good reviews about BOTH out there. I want to hear what YOU think.

And not just about diapers. About products you couldn't have lived without.

P.S. We totally find out the sex of the baby in a week. (Ahem...unless Baby is being modest.)

Trying to be tactful

2011-12-19T11:45:00.001-05:00

Is there a sign that says "no soliciting or proselytizing?" We've gotten a lot of random knocks at the door about some random something people are selling...and religion. One in particular...

I'm done with my "process." Mormonism no longer bothers me like it used to. I feel apathetic/over it. Although I couldn't care less about what people believe anymore, I do care when it comes to me and my family. My child will not be brainwashed like I was. Now that I know what's out there, I will protect my child from it at all costs.

ANYway, someone (I suspect I know who...) called the ward we would belong to and gave them our address. We've had a lot of unexpected visitors (if this person is reading, I'm sure they're feeling very proud of themselves...many Mormons have no problem with crossing boundaries - especially in the name of their church - we won't be giving them our new address). The first time the missionaries showed up, we invited them in and had a very warm conversation. We talked about our jobs, school, families back home, etc...and then moved onto the church. The missionaries asked us why they hadn't seen us. I mustered up my courage and said, "Well...I don't want to make you guys uncomfortable, but I have unofficially left the church due to the history I studied about it. I won't get into it with you right now."

One of the missionaries pressed. Uncomfortable because one of the mishies was brand-spankin' new in the field I said, "I really don't think you want to get into it with me. I promise the information I have will hurt your testimony. Going through this process is not enjoyable. I was depressed for almost four years..."

The missionary then said, "We've probably heard it. Just tell us one thing that bothers you. If my testimony isn't strong enough to handle it then I've got something to work on." (Yeah, kid. I thought the same thing).

I told him to tell me what he's heard.

"Oh, you know. About blacks and the priesthood, polygamy and stuff like that."

I then looked at Jake who knows just about as much as I do and said, "You've hardly scratched the surface."

The missionary challenged me, "Enlighten us."

I took a deep breath and related in detail a lot of the information I had regarding the 9 different versions of the First Vision, their evolution, the timeline, the significantly different accounts, and where the accounts came from (something that real historians need to know in order to deem the information credible).

I thought the Newbie was about to shit a brick. Poor kid. I knew that would happen.

The more seasoned missionary then asked me, "What have you gained since you left?"

I thought for a moment and almost said, "Oh my gosh, a HUGE weight has been lifted off my shoulders because I no longer feel guilty for listening to my music too loud, watching an R-rated movie, saying a curse word, etc etc etc." But, had I said that, they would have thought I was "past feeling." i.e. I'm so far gone from any spirituality that "evil" things seem okay to me now. (For those of you who are not familiar with Mormonism - trust me, I know this sounds crazy).

So Jake said, "Her life is actually a lot more rich. She cares a lot more about humanity."

The missionaries furrowed their brows. I expanded on what Jake said, "See, once the thought crosses your mind that this life might be it, you begin to care a lot more about it. You begin to live in the moment. Feel insanely sad/angry about any suffering felt by any living thing - human or animal. I no longer take my life for granted. If this is it, I want it to be very special. Nothing wasted."

The missionaries didn't know how to respond. So, they read a scripture, said a prayer, I gave them cupcakes, and they were on their way.

The next week, the bishop showed up. Very nice and fairly young. He asked me how much contact from the church we wanted. I said, "Well, I'm out...but you'd have to ask Jake how much contact he wants." The conversation was polite and ended quickly. The next week, the Relief Society President showed up. I had to tell her the same thing - that I don't believe (Umm...side note: do you understand how awkward it is to meet a very nice person, have a nice conversation - at first - and then tell them that you don't believe in something that is incredibly important to them? It's awkward).

The missionaries showed up again but Jake wasn't home so they weren't allowed to come in (I know, it's weird).

The next week, I was talking to my mom on the phone - mid-morning on a Saturday. I was bra-less and hadn't even brushed my hair yet. There was a knock at the door. The dogs went nuts. I stayed quiet, looked out the peep hole, and saw two more Relief Society sisters outside. Bra-less and in deep conversation with my mom, I had no intention of answering the door and didn't. They left a Christmas card and a loaf of bread. While we appreciated the bread, can they CALL before they come over? Ever?

Friday night I about lost it. I was tired after a long day of work and had a work party to get ready for. Jake picked me up from work, we had a nice, bad-traffic-free drive home, suspected nothing... We get the perfect parking spot and begin walking to our door. As soon as we see our door, there are three missionaries standing there. GAH!!! They're so nice, but can they CALL??? Can we set up an appointment? It was the worst timing.

We invite them in (this time, both Jake and I a little frustrated and feeling a little obligated to sit and chat), sit down, chat warmly but awkwardly for about 15 minutes when I looked at the clock and said, "Well, we've got somewhere to be..." and then one of the missionaries interrupted me and said, "Oh, don't worry. We've got another appointment at 7. We just want to read a chapter out of the scriptures with you." Mind you, our party is in about 45 minutes and I wanted to wash my hair. Their timing couldn't have been worse. On top of that, I know a helluva lot more about their church than they do. I wasn't really in the mood to listen (or participate in reading) a whole chapter of the scriptures. So I joke and say, "Ahem...a whole chapter?"

The mishy responds with, "We'll pick a medium sized one."

Again, mustering up my courage I said, "I don't want to make you guys uncomfortable, but I'm sure they've already told you I left the church..." one of the missionaries solemnly shakes his head "...but I can assure you that because of what I've learned, I won't be coming back. Now, I've really got to get ready..." (I then turned the obligation to Jake...oopsies) ..."so, umm, Jake, if you want to participate, go ahead. But I'm going to go upstairs and get ready." And went upstairs.

Jake and I are both starting to become very, very annoyed.

When we have a baby and we've got these unexpected visitors coming over at least once a week, knocking on our door...I'm going to peeissed. What if I'm breastfeeding? What if I'm trying to get the little one to sleep? What if the little one is already sleeping and they wake him/her up? I will be LIVID.

So, how would one tactfully say, "STOP COMING OVER!!" I mean, they should at least be courteous enough to set up an appointment, right?

What do you call a hot grandma?

2011-12-17T15:08:00.003-05:00

Since I will not be teaching my child to say, "Let's go to GILF's house," I will need some serious feedback from the interwebs.

Here's the deal, my mom is hot. There's no getting around it...

See??

We just can't go with the conventional "Grandma" title for her. Maybe "Meme?" "Mema?" "Hot mama?" "Nana?" Blech. None of those are my favorites.

What do you guys think? How creative can we get with this?

Nant.

2011-12-12T13:30:00.000-05:00

Y'all know I have a hard time with things that are cliche. Like, you know, calling my husband my hubby (blech. Bad taste in my mouth just by typing it) - so I call him Hussy (at least on the blog. In real life, we don't use each other's names. We just say, "Babe." It's inevitably going to confuse our children. Once when I was really tired, I called him "boober scoops." That's not even a sexual reference. It just came out. I'm still scratching my head. It makes just as much sense as calling my mom "Mooda" and calling my female dog - whose real name is Lucy - "Bruce." I don't know, either).

So...

Ahem...

I'm NANT, peeps.

Because I refuse to say "prego" or "preggers." :D (This news is exciting enough to deserve a really cheesy emoticon).

Yeah, that's right! PregNANT!!! And Jake and I are stoked. STOKED. It happened a little sooner than we had anticipated but I've already got enough onesies to cover Baby everyday for its first three months (okay, not EVERYDAY but I've definitely got backups in preparation for poopy blowouts and spit-up). Also (this is for future reference to see if we're right - we find out on the 28th), we're both pretty sure that Baby is a boy. But, obvs, we'll be excited about a boy or a girl. We're just happy it's not twins. I'm not cut out to be a rockstar mom of twins like this girl.

Ahhhh...it feels so good to share this news with the interwebs. And, figure this one out, I feel much more comfortable sharing the news here, than on Facebook. I know that's not logical - don't ask me to explain my reasoning for that. I. Have. No. Idea.

YAAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!! Baby will be making its arrival sometime in mid-June!!

(PS, if you wanna hear the news from me in person, please call me. I'll tell you ALL the joys of pregnancy. Having to pee all the time, the gas, already not being able to sleep through the night, the insane amount of excitement, the intense feeling of wanting to protect el child at all costs, not wanting to eat ANYTHING, and HUGE boobs. Fo' realz. I'll give you the scoop).

Don't Be Mad. I'm Just Being Honest.

2011-12-05T19:15:00.001-05:00

Another post from the other blog - in case you missed it.

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First of all, I’m obsessed with Pinterest. OBSESSED! I’m genuinely excited to try some of the DIY stuff I’ve pinned on there. However, sometimes I think, “Pshh! That looks easy! I can do that!” when really, it’s kind of like the whole “your-eyes-are-bigger-than-your-stomach” thing. Just like trying to eat an elephant, this project turns out to be much more complicated than you thought…kinda like this:

(Photo credit: Google. I originally saw this picture on Pinterest. A few people have thought that I baked the failed cookie monster cupcakes. Although I’d love to take credit for the awesomeness, it wasn’t me. AND…I don’t really have a need to make Cookie Monster cupcakes…)

ANYway, as much as I love Pinterest, every once in a while I see something that really bothers me. Quotes usually – ones I don’t agree with. You know that quote that says (paraphrased): “Don’t cry. All it does is make your mascara run…” ??? I hate quotes like that. Sometimes I just need to friggin’ cry – and I don’t want to feel like an ungrateful jackass when I do it.

Here’s one that someone just posted on Pinterest. Another one that, a few years ago, would have made me feel insecure and second guess EVERYTHING I said. I would never, ever want my kids to read/believe something like this. The quote is set up to look all cutesy and artsy. It looks like this – just add more colors, flowers, cool font, etc:

BEFORE YOU SPEAK
THINK:
T – Is it true?
H – Is it helpful?
I – Is it inspiring?
N – Is it necessary?
K – Is it kind?

Now, while I definitely want myself and my children to say things that are true, what happens when they want to make up a story? Use their imagination? I’m okay with that, too.

Is it helpful? What if it isn’t? What if you just want to say something? And helpful to whom? You? The person you’re talking to? Sometimes I can say a whole lotta bullshit that really helps me get something off of my chest and likely doesn’t help the person I’m talking to at all. Is that okay?

Is it inspiring? Pshh, how often do we say things that are inspiring?? I mean, honestly, telling my kids to think before they speak and to think if what they are going to say is inspiring…geez! I might as well say, “K – never, ever speak unless what you are going to say has a 100% chance of showing up on an internet quote board.”

Is it necessary? To whom? Me? Someone else? Who cares? If the thought comes into my head, necessary or not (kind of like this blog post), is it okay if I just say it?? Man, if you’re really that upset by something unnecessary someone else said, purge it.

Is it kind? Meh. I pretty much agree with this one. I really do…but sometimes, people are jerks – and it feels damn good to say, “Man! That person who’s always a jerk to me sucks!”

Hey, I’m human. Get over it.

But really, if you haven”t checked out Pinterest yet, you should. You’ll love it.

Warning: This post has boobies

2011-11-29T18:18:00.000-05:00

For the next few posts, I'm going to move some posts from the .com site to this one. Here's the first.

Who knew moving to a brand new city could force you out of your comfort zone?

You thought I was a hippie before? Or, you didn’t believe that I was one? Check ‘dis out!

Ew. Real boobies. I know. It’s frightening.

We were told the World Naked Bike Ride is a protest against using too much gas. Several people had phrases like, “Less gas, more ass,” and “less crude, more nude,” painted on their naked bodies. Ooor, was it high gas prices they were protesting? Others said it was for freedom of expression and/or to show the vulnerability of bikers. We were just there to have a good time.

Speaking of naked, I have never seen old man wang. Ever. Jake tells me that it was just like the men’s locker room. Boy, am I glad I don’t have one of those elephant faced appendages. I got a tiny (or large) glimpse into Jake’s future of manhood. Let me tell you, aging wangs do not age like wine.

Fortunately for me and my nips, I was not comfortable going totally naked and didn’t. For the record…

Fast forward a few weekends later…

I’m completely drunk for the first time in my life, leaning over the toilet, barfing out my entire insides. Who the hell drinks for fun?? THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN??? Jesus! Maybe the Mormons are right!

It all started when our crazy new friends (who also participated partially clothed in the naked bike ride) wanted to come over for Comm Fest. Jake got a text around 6:30 which said, “Hey, we’re on our way. {Wife’s name} is a little tipsy. We celebrated closing on our house with a bottle of champagne.” Be aware, these are garment-wearing, church-going, God-loving Mormons I’m talking about. Jake and I thought it was a joke.

Our friends knocked on our door and our drunken friend, we’ll call her Carol, was staggering away from the doorstep. Her husband John (name changed) says, “Sweetie, where are you going? Come inside.” This girl has never had a drink in her life. Jake and I still thought it was a joke. She was going to drop the act any second.

She came inside, put her hand on Jake’s shoulder and very loudly in a drunken slur said, “I NEED TO USE THE BATHROOM. BAHAHAH! Where’s your bathroom??” Jake showed her to the restroom. She came out after washing her hands and apparently had gotten a big kick out of the name of the soap in there. “JOHN! I just washed my hands with FRESH. PIPPEN. APPLE!! BWAHAHAHAHAH!!!!”

We asked her how she was feeling. “I just feel silly. I like this stuff. It tastes like butt-hole but I like this stuff. It makes me feel silly. It makes me burp and fart, too! In fact, it stinks over here because I just farted right now!”

If you knew this girl, you would be dying. She’s smart, polite, and very put together. She was acting very out of character and it was HILARIOUS!

In Columbus, OH it’s legal for a woman to expose her breasts in public (hence, the boobies in the video). Women who want to flash their goods take opportunities such as Comm Fest to let those ladies hang loose. Some with pasties, others with paint. Others au naturale. At Comm Fest, a girl had her back to all of us and it was apparent that she didn’t have a shirt on. Carol spotted the girl and said, “Gasp! I don’t think she’s wearing a shirt!” We all agreed. Then Carol got serious, lowered her eyes and said, “I want to see her breasts.” I. Was. Dying. Drunken Carol proceeded to trickily stagger past the woman and get a glimpse of her goods. She came back to report that, “My breasts are prettier than hers.”

By the end of the night she was calling herself “Moniqua” and had a Spanish nickname for all of us. I genuinely wish I had had a video camera.

Carol looked like she was having so much fun! The kind of fun that Jake and I wanted to participate in – or so we thought at the time. John, the DD, just so happens to be an experienced bar tender (these are Mormons, people. I’ve never met this breed before). We went to the grocery store, bought a six pack of beer and a bottle of white zin and headed to our place.

I’m not an experienced drinker. I had my first drink at 25 a few months ago. It was a dry red wine and it tasted like poison. A few weeks later, I tried a beer. To my surprise, I liked it. But, I’m a light-weight. One beer gives me enough of a buzz to just about put me over the edge. After one, all I wanna do is nap.

John made us aware that Carol downed almost an entire bottle of champagne. Like the smarty-pants I am, I thought I could pound that bottle of white zin the way Carol pounded the champagne. And I did.

Too. Damn. Fast.

Carol got very sleepy around 10:30 and John thought it would be best if he got her home to bed. I, being a bit of a whiney drunk, complained that I was just starting to feel good and didn’t want them to leave. John later reported that at some point while they were leaving, I sat on the kitchen floor and sulked. I do not recall this. John and Carol left. Drunken Erin was sad.

After they left, I remember finding myself sprawled out on the living room floor feeling like I WANTED TO DIE. I moved my head just a titch to find Jake who was happily not drunk and on his computer playing games and pounding a beer. The guy can drink like a champ.

This little head movement made me realize that I was just about to toss my cookies all over our lovely, clean carpet. Cleaning up partially digested vegetarian fried rice didn’t sound that awesome to me, so I crawled to the bathroom.

OH, THE AGONY!! That crawl was BRUTAL. My head was spinning, my body was heavy, and I was *this* close to upchucking everywhere. I thought the flu was bad…this was worse.

As soon as my head was over the toilet, I lost it. Twice. A concerned Jake then texted John and asked him what he should do in this situation. John said to force feed (drink?) me water and make me take two tylenol. We happened to be out of tylenol so Jake had to go to the store to get some. Although I have no recollection of this whatsoever, I very seriously looked at Jake and told him not to drive because he had had three beers (good for drunken me!)

Jake came back and forced me to drink water and down two tylenols which I promptly threw up. Six times over. Jake made me take more. I then began to whine and say (repeatedly), “I hate this. This was stupid. I’m embarrassed…. …I hate this. This was stupid. I’m embarrassed…. …I hate this. This was stupid…” and, “Alcohol is gross. I don’t like it. I’m more of a water/milk girl… …Alcohol is gross. I don’t like it. I’m more of a water/milk girl…” (Repeat 20 times – according to Jake). I remember feeling very ashamed that my dogs saw me in this state. I felt like a very bad mom. A bad example to my dogs… This. Is. Fer. Realz.

I finally stopped puking out my guts and told Jake I was cold and wanted a blanket and pillow. I woke up three hours later in the same position. Cold and still not with it, I thought it best to take a bath – at three in the morning.

Fortunately for me, I wound up in bed the next morning feeling good as new. No hangover. Probably because I upchucked every last bit of the undigested wine…and fried rice.

How’s that for my first (AND LAST) post-Mormon drunken experience?

Welcome to Columbus.

Good News.

2011-11-28T21:26:00.003-05:00

Or bad. For my faithful readers, this will be good news. For the faithful readers who come in the cuddly form of anonymous trolls...also good news. It will give them a place to leave bitchy anonymous comments and may add more excitement to their lives. Squueeeee!!!

For the people who really loathe this blogspot address and the blogger behind it - worst nightmare realized. Sorry (not really...)

So, my .com days are over. It just so happens that .coms cost money. And Hussy and I are cheap - you have to be cheap when you're broke.

My blogspot hiatus is officially over! Wooo!! That doesn't mean I'll be blogging everyday, or even every week. But I'll be here.

Hopefully to provide some entertainment (although, the trolls might do that for me).

Either way, I'M BACK!!

A good way to remember

2011-09-11T14:41:00.003-04:00

I know I don't post here much anymore, but today deserves remembrance.

I was a sophomore in high school - tardy as usual. My first class of the day was biology. My mom and I got into the car and she put on NPR.

They were getting live feed of the first plane. My mom said, "This sounds like a terrorist attack." I was clueless, young, naive. I thought we were invincible...so I shrugged it off.

Not thirty seconds later, waiting for the light to turn at the intersection on Bulldog Boulevard, we heard someone say, "There's another plane! Another plane!" And the second plane hit.

My vision of invincibility was immediately shattered and the fear set in.

For the rest of the day, every single teacher had the TV in their rooms turned on. Very surreal.

With that, where you you when you heard the news?

Another update

2011-08-20T22:24:00.002-04:00

I updated the new blog again...and I feel really good about this one. The passion is back, oh yeah!

Update!!

2011-08-03T18:52:00.002-04:00

New update on new blog!

Don't have the link? Leave a comment with your email.

Worth Sharing

2011-07-29T22:56:00.000-04:00

Shameless Plug

2011-07-15T09:18:00.000-04:00

My mom started a new blog. Hilarious and very unique.

Check it out.

Warning, it's a little dirty...

Update!!

2011-07-10T13:35:00.002-04:00

Update on the new blog! Check it out!

...I need your advice...

If you don't have the link, leave your email in the comments :)

I see progress.

2011-06-12T17:50:00.002-04:00

I have genuinely enjoyed all of the Ex-Mormon videos I have seen (however, I prefer the term Former Mormon). I feel that the participants are kind, genuine, good people and I can really relate to them. It is the best feeling in the world to know that I'm not evil (according to the church's standards) and that I'm not alone. There's a whole community out there who know exactly where I'm coming from. My new favorite is this one. It's longer than the others (about 20 minutes) but his story is so like my story.

My favorite part is when he talks about progress. Let's focus on the good in this world and the progress that can be made. This is our time. Let's change the world. The time is now. (I should campaign for the presidency, dontcha think??)

With that being said, I will no longer be blogging on this ol' worn out blog. I love this blog. This was my place to come and regurgitate any information I was learning in school, from my social life, or about the church. Although I have loved this blog as a place to "write out loud" and figure out my thoughts on the church and the new information I was learning about it, this blog now makes me think of Mormonism - a necessary-for-me-at-the-time-but-now-undesirable theme. And I'm done with it.

If you want more information about the most credible sources to go to, feel free to email me at foxypinkcheetah@gmail.com. But I'm done with writing about Mormonism (unless someone grabs my buddy's boob and blames it on her - and, quite frankly, it's a part of who I am. It might pop up somewhere in another post...on another blog...) I will only give you the sources to go to, or you can peruse my archives, but I will not go into detail about the history of the church anymore. Frankly, I'm a little tired of putting a bad taste in people's mouths because I was open about what I was learning. BUT, just remember, I didn't write or make the history. It was already there. So sue me for finding it :) I'm talking to you, Believing Mormons (this includes family and friends or acquaintances from high school, college, whatevs, who are secretly reading my blog and who secretly love the drama of it but who "tsk" anytime my name comes up. You know who you are).

I do have a new blog... email me at the same above address or leave a comment with your email if you want it. Love you all and thanks for the support.

Foxy, out.

Is that what the kids are sayin' now-a-days?

2011-06-07T08:17:00.001-04:00

First, an update: we are safely in Ohio and feel slightly out of our element. I live here and am trying to figure out the streets (Hussy has it all figured out - jerk)...which are not like Utah streets at all. The good news: we're literally two minutes from a target, a block and a half from a dog park, down the street from a grocery store, so close to downtown that there's always something fun to do or explore, AND, Hussy's favorite part, we're within walking distance from the school. We're also in a fairly safe area.

Oh! When it rains, it POURS here. Srsly. We were standing in line for the best icecream in the world when it started to drizzle...then rain harder...and harder...and harder. Until we were soaked. SOAKED.

Now to the juice.

A childhood friend of mine who is the sweetest, most innocent Mormon girl on the planet was with a guy she really liked (which her parents love - because, you know, at her old age of 25 she better darn-well get married soon). Things had been going well with this particular guy and she really started to like him. They were hanging out, watching a movie, cuddling, kissing and lovin' on each other...when one thing led to another...AND...

....

....
....

....

HE GRABBED HER NEKKED BOOB (under the shirt)! Ew, gross, right? I don't think that has ever happened in the history of Mormon dating. Ever. Wait. You thought I was going to say sex? Nah. That never happens (I mean, holy smokes, peeps. That's the sin next to murder.)

After this, these two Mormon love birds felt real bad about their naughty boob grab. Well, actually, my friend said she felt okay about it because she really likes this guy and well - it just happened naturally. Because it's natural. You know, natural human behavior (but, Mormon doctrine says that the "natural man is an enemy to god." i.e. "being true to yourself is not encouraged or permitted.") But, this boy is related to a prominent church leader with whom he meets regularly. He felt REAL bad...because, heaven forbid, this church leader figure out what his kin's dirty hand did to an innocent daughter of god.

So...

He said, "Why did you let me do that? Every other girl just pushes my hand away. I've never gone that far with anyone. With you it was just...easy." This. is. fer. real.

Feel free to interpret that last statement as, "Holy shit. My closeted pervy ways are going to get found out...and I'm righteous! No one can know. You know what? It wasn't even my fault. It's the fault of this dirty, easy girl I'm with right now. I should never be accountable for my wandering man hand...because I'm a GUY. I can't help it! She should have pushed me away."

Ahem...

I just so happened to be awake at about 3 in the morning (because our apartment was hot) when I got a text that said, "I feel like a bad person." It broke my heart. I responded with a, "WHAT?? WHY??? I think you're a great person!"

Her response, "I got carried away with Matt and I just feel easy."

Oh lordy, what's going on? What. did. he. do??

"Can I call you?" I didn't wait for a response. I called. She told me what happened and what he said after the fact to which I said, "You don't feel like a bad person. You feel like HE thinks you're a bad person."

What a tool. He blamed her for the boob grab. Geez!

See, Mormon boys are taught to avoid anything that will tempt them (however, most post-mission boys will go for it...because they don't have to tell anyone about it in a pre-mission interview...) Including girls who have the nerve to let boys grab their boobs. I mean, let's not mention that the boy went for it. SHE LET HIM! It's all her fault. Geez, if she's wearing skanky clothes and a guy happens to get a boner...pshh, boys, that's her fault. She knows that all ya'll guys have a penis and boys will be boys. She should know better! GAWD!

Right...?

It sounds a lot like this commercial, doesn't it?

It also kind of reminds me of this article of faith: " We believe that men will be punished for their own sins and not for Adam's transgression." ...but they failed to mention that everyone will be punished for Eve's. Because, you know, she and all other women hold the morality of men and women in their hands. Choice and accountability is left up to the women. The men just can't help themselves. Frowny face.

My lengthy quest for a job is over!

2011-06-06T10:50:00.001-04:00

In the sea of jobs I cast my baited line, waited very (veryveryvery) patiently, got a few nibbles, and finally snagged a good one! WOOOO!!!

I'm lying. I did snag a great job, but I'm not patient. At all. I'm so impatient, in fact, that I cut some pretty essential corners and said some really, really stupid things in an attempt to land a job. Sure the economy still isn't that great, but had I avoided some silly mistakes, I probably would have landed a job sooner.

I have been looking for work where Hussy will be attending dental school since we found out he got in...at the beginning of December. That's six solid months of looking for work. Filling out applications. Revising my resume and cover letter to fit the job I'm applying for. Perusing job boards for hours on end looking for a job that's in my area of interest. Filling out a whole ton of online profiles for big online career boards like Monster, CareerBuilder, and Simply Hired.

I now consider myself an expert at job hunting... {cue the music} And I'm here to help!! (Aren't you EXCITED????)

After months of making the same mistakes, I learned a thing or two about what NOT to do. Here's goes:

1. Avoid sounding desperate. Probably not a good idea to say, "I will do anything to get my foot in the door. I'll even be the coffee girl!!" Yes, I said something along those lines. (WTF, Foxy??)

2. Avoid sounding pretentious. Selling yourself is one thing. Sounding like a cocky jackass in the process of selling yourself is not that awesome. Here is an almost verbatim paragraph from an email I sent to a woman at a news station in Columbus (still kicking myself for this one...and laughing). "I found a job listing for your company for an Assistant News Director on your website. While I know I'm not as experienced as some applicants, I'm highly motivated and would like to intern with your company to gain the experience I need. I'm a great researcher, fast learner, am self motivated, and ambitious. I would love to interview with you over the phone to give you a taste of what I'm made of and possibly get hired on as an intern." The other stuff is not nearly as cringe-worthy as that last part. WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING??? I will likely never, ever land a job with them for those 9 words alone (yes, I just counted them).

3. When you finally land the interview, STUDY THE COMPANY. I had a good lead on a job that I really wanted. The salary was above average for an entry level position, it had a great schedule, and a great benefits package. I researched the company like mad, nailed my phone interview, got invited for a second, in-person interview that they were going to fly me out there for, then the hiring manager got busy. Three weeks after we had our first interview I was still corresponding with her secretary. I thought I was in FER SURE. While the hiring manager was busy, the job description changed to a senior level position, and they promoted someone within the company. I was SO bummed when they let me know. I had been going to their website at least once a day to keep myself informed about what was going on with the company.

After not getting the position, I was a little jaded...and lacked the patience to study other companies with the same gusto. (Stupid, Foxy...) Sure enough, I landed an interview with another job which I had not studied at all and one of the interviewers asked me, "So, what do you know about the company?" Nothing. I knew nothing. FAIL.

4. Change your cover letter. I'm sure some of you are saying, "Duh," right now. But there were a number of positions I applied for where I just used my most basic cover letter. All I had to do to "cater" it to a certain position was to delete the title of the previous position I had applied for and copy/paste the new one. Put detail (while keeping it short) into your cover letter. Let them know why you want that position. Let them know the skills you have that apply to the position. (Lordy, why didn't I take my own advice???)

5. Be patient. I promise you'll make all of the above mistakes if you're like me and lack the patience to produce a good cover letter, resume and interview.

Just an update:

2011-05-29T01:18:00.002-04:00

I'm currently typing this from a hotel in Omaha, NE. Fer realz.

I'm pretty sure my dogs hate me for keeping them in the kennels on the road.

I have two REALLY good leads on jobs (everyone keep your fingers crossed).

I about lost my cool saying goodbye to family and friends. Damn you, weepy side.

I LOVE change and am stoked for Ohio but definitely felt a sense of loss when I left Utah.

I *sort of* want to see a (very) small tornado (from a VERY safe distance)

And Denver is my new favorite city.

Foxy, out.

When parents text

2011-05-25T11:44:00.002-04:00

*Disclaimer: do not continue if you are the type of person who immediately feels the need to change the channel when someone on TV says the word "sex" or "penis." If sexuality makes you uncomfortable, click "next blog." Also click "next blog" if you think alcohol consumption is evil. Trust me. I'm preventing you from doing what Jesus wouldn't do: judge. For your own salvation, look away now.

My mom is an outdoor enthusiast. She'll likely protest that title, but really. She is. And so is her significant other, Mike. They are hiking, biking, snowshoeing, exploring EVERY weekend. And they like movies about other outdoor enthusiasts. Like 127 Hours. She told me to watch it. So I did. And here's what ensued over text:

Me: Watching 127 Hours. Just giving you a play-by-play :)
Mom: Better hurry. I'm turning into a pumpkin soon ... :-)
Me: Wha?
Mom: Just sayin'
Me: You're drunk...or buzzed. Go to bed, pumpkin.
Mom: Slightly buzzed. You got a problem wit dat?
Me: Oh geez! I like you buzzed
Mom: I'm hot
Me: Hahaha! Yes you are. Even us a punkin.
Mom: Are you drunk?
Me: No. But I'd like to be.
Mom: :-D I get that
Me: Yer funny right now
Mom: :-)
Me: :>
Mom: :-&
Me: :~$
Mom: :o)
Me: (oYo) --- boobies
Mom: @@@@@(@) penis
Me: "!" flip that upside down and I'm flipping you off
Mom: (.) flashing nipple at you
Me: Hahaha! 3 ... that's my bum
Mom: ( 1 ) and mine
Me: Haha!
Mom: ( / ) this is mine when I sit sideways
Me: ( o) --- right cheek sneak
Mom: LMAO. Going to bed now. Love you!
Me: Love you :) punkin
Mom: I never wrote "punkin." You drunk.
Me: Go to bed, ho
Mom: Just turning out the lights, skank.

The end. We love each other.

Sweeeet Baby Jesus, I need a job

2011-05-06T21:13:00.004-04:00

After looking for jobs since December to no avail, I started to google things like "mother fucker"*, "I will sell my left kidney and part of my liver for work," "I will prostitute myself for work," and finally, "Sweet Baby Jesus, I need a job."

While googling the latter, something else popped up. I laughed. Don't hate me. I like stupid humor.

After that lovely find, I became desperate. I googled "internships with Tina Fey, Kristen Wiig, or Ellen Degeneres." Tina Fey and Kristen Wiig internships brought up nothing (I mean, c'mon! Can I at least shadow?? Is that possible to do with famous people? Can I shadow Lady Gaga????) While an internship with the Ellen Degeneres Show looked promising, I'd have to be employed by the state of California...and we're moving to Ohio...and OSU will give us a $40,000 tuition break if I have a full-time, self sustaining, salaried position by the end of July/beginning of August...in Ohio. I think I might die.

*"Mother fucker" is also googled when I feel a sudden surge of anger. Trust me, guys. It works waaay better than counting to ten.

A trip down memory lane

2011-05-02T10:57:00.003-04:00

Blogging sucks the creative energy out of anyone who even remotely cares about their audience. And by "care" I don't mean, "caring about their emotional needs," but about what they think. Because, if you know me, you know that I already care about the emotional needs of others (really...) but I really don't wanna give a damn about what people think about my blogging abilities. But I DO care about that. Shit.

I mean, geez, guys. I have 300 followers. That's scary. I have to find a way to appeal to 300 people. How do I do that while still staying true to my own audience and not throwing "I'm-trying-to-be-funny-or-deep-or-cute" bullshit at you guys?

We've all read those blogs where the people blog every day about the most boring crap on the face of the planet just to give their readers something. I'd rather read about the hats at the royal wedding. But I'm guilty of it, too.

(Cue advertisement music)

How do you get outta that funk?? ...You take a trip down memory lane.

There's something about taking a walk down that lovely lane to produce some nostalgia. The right nostalgia can spark el passion (Spanglish). Re-light the fire.

If I'm being honest, my fire died when my passion for Mormon history died. Guyzzz, I don't give a shit about it anymore. I studied, had heard enough, figured it out, vented it on my blog, and I'm over it. Gah. Hearing about it now is just...boring. I just don't care.

But I had been venting about the history and culture for so long...what could I write about now? What was my new passion? My inspiration to write?

Mormonism was so easy to write about because I was familiar with it, passionate about it. It went from something I loved to something I was terrified of. I was angry. For good reason. And that was about all the motivation I needed to write.

Then, yesterday, I started deleting a whole bunch of emails I didn't need anymore (about old jobs, school, ward camp outs, etc). While deleting, I came across a some four-five year old, funny emails between my mom and I and some emails between some old friends/roommates.

I never knew that nostalgia could inspire me...but, holy smokes. I'm feelin' the spark.

I don't want any sort of blog theme. That's just not my style. I'm glad the Mormonism archives and other random archives are there because it's a part of who I am. And someday it might just produce the right nostalgia to offer more inspiration. But Mormonism is not what my blog is about.

*Sigh* (the good kind)

I just feel good, peeps. I'll be writing more later, but this is it for now.

What inspires you?

Catch 22

2011-04-29T22:15:00.004-04:00

Remember that one blog post about job hunting and how experience sucks?? Because everyone wants you to have it...but how the eff do you get it if no one will hire you without it?? Remember that one? Yeah, I don't want to find it to link to it. You'll just have to remember.

Remember that other one about how work sucks and how sometimes you have to stand up to your boss? I hope so. Because I'm not linking to that one either.

The previous two paragraphs are just me bitching about sucky job stuff because this blog post is about job stuff.

Here's my catch 22.

I currently work as an Assistant Manager at my lovely retail store (full of awful customers and some lazy employees). I rarely get consecutive days off. This week I got Sunday and Wednesday off. I don't get another day off until next weekend. NEXT. WEEKEND. That's how my store rolls. And it sucks ass.

ANYWAY, I work AS an Assistant Manager...but my official title is "Shift Lead." I started doing the Assistant stuff when my Store Manager went on maternity leave...and soon after she came back (less than a week) another Assistant quit. So...for five months I've been doing Assistant work on Shift Lead pay.

AND, get this:

The other two Assistants took their PTO (paid time off/vacation time) right after our SM left on maternity. One of the Assistants had a week to take while the other had two weeks. They decided to take them consecutively. So, one of them was always gone for three straight weeks. Since the SM was gone and I was the only other one available...I worked three weeks straight. Less hours (because my job hates over time) but for THREE FREAKING WEEKS I NEVER HAD A DAY OFF (actually, I counted and it was 26 days...straight). Is that legal? Because it definitely happened. And we just so happened to bonus that month (you're welcome, job.)

Anyway, back to my catch 22.

I feel dumped on because I'm making $5 less than the girl right above me who doesn't have a college degree...not like that should matter...but she's not very business minded either. I do exactly what she does...and get $5 less. Gross. BUT, I want the Assistant Manager hours...BUT, I'm moving (for sure - it's official) on May 24th and want the Assistant Manager pay and can't ask for it since we're moving so soon. SO, I want a break because I'm exhausted (more pay might motivate me) BUT I can't ask for it...SO...I need the hours because I need the money...BUT when I get the hours, I feel dumped on...BUT I wouldn't feel as dumped on if I got the pay. BUT I can't get the pay because I'm leaving. Catch 22, people. Catch. friggin'. 22.

Did I go in enough circles?

Can you guess how I feel about the royal wedding?

2011-04-29T22:03:00.003-04:00

Click the link to find out.

Congratulations Will and Kate. Y'all took our minds off much more stressful things.

Who gives a shit?

2011-04-20T20:42:00.003-04:00

Found this video on this blog through this one.

And seriously, those six letters..."p.r.e.t.t.y." Who gives a shit? Who gives a shit if you're "pretty" or "ugly" according to societies standards? Who. gives. a. flying. shit? If you ask me, "ugly" is a four letter word worse than other four letter words I can think of. But, according to this video, the word "pretty" and the aspiration to be that and just that...is just, well, ugly. And I agree.

Limbo

2011-04-12T13:21:00.004-04:00

Since Hussy has gotten into OSU, I feel like we're in limbo. I hate it. It completely sucks all of the creative juices I once had (or at least thought I once had). When I come here to journal my insanely witty thoughts, I got nothin'. Or when I come to make fun of my culture or someone who is ridiculously stupid, I don't want someone to point a finger and say, "Wah! You're just an angry exmo!" Excuse me, but I prefer the term post Mormon or former Mormon (which abbreviated is FoMo...MoFo), thank you very much.

My thoughts are consumed with O.H.I.O. What's it going to be like? What will my (still non existant...mother eff!) job be like? When will I find said job? Will I (at least sometimes) like it? What will my neighbors be like? Will my dogs be safe? Is there an area where I can take my dogs to play often? Are there hiking trails (ish - no mountains)? How bad are student loans going to stress me out? Should I cut my hair to look more professional? (I seriously want your opinion on this: Do you think shorter hair - meaning no longer than an inch or two below the collar bone or shorter - looks more professional than hair down to your boobs? Comments on this = much appreciated).

WILL I FINALLY REALIZE THE LIFE LONG DREAM OF SEEING AND HEARING A TORNADO (from a VERY safe distance)????

I hate unanswered questions.

In more awesome news, who watches Dexter?? I'm obsessed with the show! However, I find myself getting the theme song stuck in my head and either whistling or humming it...which creeps me out every time. Especially if it's dark outside and I have to go get something from the car. Hey, don't judge me. This is coming from a kid who slept in her mother's bed well into high school for fear that Satan might choke her in her sleep for being such a good person. I'm not joking.

"We don't care what you think"

2011-04-08T13:52:00.004-04:00

Some of you have heard this story before, but bear with me.

As a tender, doe-eyed five year old, I told my mom I wanted her to braid a whole bunch of tiny braids into my hair. Preferably with beads, but colored rubber bands were okay. She didn't hesitate and the next day I went to school with hair that looked something like this:(Sans the blonde locks, grown up face, huge earrings, etc)

As a kindergartener in Utah, I carpooled to school just about everyday. I couldn't wait to show my carpool friends how cool my hair looked. As soon as I got in the car my five year old "friend" Whitney looked me up and down and said, "I don't like your hair."

My brows furrowed. Her behavior was so strange. It never occurred to me that she might actually be trying to hurt my feelings.

I thought about it for a good thirty seconds and finally said, "...Well...I like it... My mom likes it...

...And we don't care what you think."

I straight up put that bitch in her place. And it was completely innocent. I mean, I was FIVE. I didn't understand that she was trying to be hurtful. So, I said exactly what I thought. No emotion, no hurt feelings.

I was honest.

Oh how I want to harness my five year old self. Not let my feelings get hurt. Not be emotional. And still say the right thing. But alas, I'm tainted by my culture. When someone is intentionally being passive aggressive, bitchy, a bully, just plain awful, it's hard to not let it get to you. I mean, they're trying to hurt you. Regardless of how small/petty/silly the behavior seems to be (a burnt food item, an anonymous comment), their intention to hurt, hurts.

How is it that my five year old self didn't give a damn? My mom and I have talked about this a lot lately. The concept of how and when to pick your battles, what to say, what not to say. But I think my five year old self hit the nail on the head when it comes to confrontation. You remove yourself from the emotion of the situation and respond honestly.

How do I tap into my five year old self? Get over it? Not let it get to me? Realize it's their problem, not mine? I need to harness that five year old genius. I need to go to her and say, "Do I really care? What would you say, oh, Wise One?"

I believe in healthy confrontation. And I think the healthiest way to address is it is with a good, straight forward, non-emotional, honest answer.

Sometimes the only thing you can say is, "I don't care what you think."

Extra Terrestrial

2011-04-06T16:58:00.000-04:00

Straight up obsessed with this song right now. With the exception of the weird dear legs at the end, the video is pretty cool as well. Very Fifth Element. The booty? I don't mind tight, male booty. And you know I'm being serious when I use cool slang like "straight up."

Side note: Wander on over to Cognitive Dissenter's blog post about feminism. She just kicked your Feminist Mormon Housewife ass.

This movie makes me bawl my eyes out

2011-04-01T20:20:00.000-04:00

Who am I kidding? This preview made me bawl my eyes out. It hits the nail on the head about what it's like to leave the church. LOVE it. I was going to post this a few days ago and decided against it...and then the movie came out. And I watched it. Twice. And am going to watch it again. So...I felt it very appropriate to post this.

Nostalgia

2011-03-30T21:54:00.001-04:00

Who watched this? Funny how not-HD it looks to me. I'm spoiled...

Another one...

2011-03-25T01:22:00.002-04:00

So...this is for the person that yesterday's blog was about. Enjoy

Click here to read.

Two things to vent about because 1) it's been a while and, 2) I'm bitchy like that

2011-03-23T21:57:00.002-04:00

1. Job Politics:

I've been working at the same place furrrevvver. Ish. Non-consecutive for almost two years. I was promoted in October to "Key Holder" and have been drooling over the Assistant Manager position which has never been available because the current people holding those positions have been/will be there forever. BUT, my Store Manager went on maternity leave in mid December and I immediately assumed Assistant Manager (AM) responsibilities without AM pay. Lame. I know. Then my SM came back...and right after she got back, one of the AMs took personal leave for 30 days. About half of that time is up and she just decided she's not coming back.

So, the AM position *just* opened up. Waiting for me to take it. And I'm salivating all over it.

Aaaaand...

I'm moving in three months. Because of job politics, I can't have the AM job because I'm just not gonna be around long enough. So basically, I'm going to be doing AM stuff for the next three months without the title and without the pay. Screw everyone. That sucks.

2. Drawing the line when it comes to church stuff.

Okay, can I just be reeeaaal honest? I think you're an idiot if you know the real history of the church (I mean, the REAL stuff) and you still believe 100%. No doubts at all. Here comes bitchy Erin, but what is wrong with you? No offense. Please, do tell in the comments. I just don't get it. (And please, if it's about "feelings," keep it to yourself. I ain't buyin' it. I've had the same feelings as you...and continue to have them when I watch particularly touching movies, listen to touching music, read a touching book...)

But here's the kicker. The people who say they "know" the history become totally offended if we have a conversation about churchy stuff in which I kick their churchy-knowledge asses...because I know a helluva lot more about it than they do. Then they tell me that I'm making light about stuff they feel is sacred ("feel" being the operative word).

Solution: we agree to disagree.

Except that many Mormons are experts at passive aggressiveness.

These same people who would "rather not talk about church" get all-sorts-of-churchy on me when I apply for a job, make a huge life-changing decision (like where to go to dental school), pick an apartment, etc. They'll throw their passive aggressive monkey shit at me (just trust me here. Imagine the monkey sound...and monkeys throwing poo at their opponents. Youtube it, even) and say, "Aw! Well I'll pray for ya!" And not in the "oh-no-someone-just-died-and-I-love-you-so-much-and-want-to-show-you-I-care" way. More in the, "you-left-the-one-true-church-and-don't-believe-in-god-anymore-so-I-must-pray-for-you-because-you-can't/aren't-worthy" way. So, they assume I don't pray at all anymore. Umm...did I say I don't believe in god and don't pray? If I did, please quote me. I must have forgotten about it...

Just sayin', these same people would be pissed if I kept throwing "anti" information their way the same way they send "pro" propaganda my way. You know?

To these same people who throw their church at me because they think I'm not worthy and in desperate need of salvation, watch your backs. I'll retaliate by doing exactly what you're doing...but with "scary," "anti" stuff.

Whew. Vent over. I couldn't help it because the person who is the biggest culprit just invited us upstairs to enjoy their Home Teachers with them - oh if I could have filmed this awkward exchange. Saying "invite" is an understatement. This person made us feel obligated by saying things like, "We're all family!" No thanks. You don't want me up there. I'll destroy their testimonies. It'll be awkward for everyone. Promise.

Wow, did my totally emotional rant make sense? No? Ask for clarification in the comments. I'll help ya out. No, actually, I'll just pray for you. Or you can pray about it. Whatevs. If you don't get an answer, THEN you can ask me :)

Politics

2011-03-21T15:18:00.002-04:00

I hate them. I really do. I think most people do.

But, here I go:

I voted for Obama. Really liked the things he was promising. Was excited about "change." And, dude, I ain't seein' it.*

*There are a lot of empty promises, but the tax compromise and reopening of Guantanamo Bay really put me over the edge. I might be an Obama hater right now.

Okay, I'm done talking about politics. Now let's all move to Switzerland!!! WOOOO!!!!

Things to keep me entertained

2011-03-18T17:52:00.002-04:00

http://www.stupidvideos.com/video/song_dance/Shane_Sings_Five_Octaves/#269795

(Did you click on the above link? You should. It's awesome. In fact, sing a long if you want).

Why are we here?

2011-03-10T09:04:00.002-05:00

My dad told me something once that really stuck with me. We were having a conversation about church and, because I was still a devout Mormon, I was chastising him. He didn't attend the temple. He didn't eat/drink the right stuff - or really, he was drinking the wrong stuff. He didn't go to the right church. He didn't read Joseph Smith's version of the scriptures. He didn't have the right thoughts. And, worst of all, he didn't believe in the right church. Then my dad floored me with this statement:

"You know, Erin. I think God put human beings on the earth just to see how we'd treat one another."

Bingo. Whether you believe in a god or not, genuine human relationships and real humanity...those are the good things in life.

Your religion: doesn't matter
What you believe in: doesn't matter
Sexual orientation: doesn't matter
Whether you know how to do the right, nit picky handshakes and sayings in the temple: doesn't matter
Where/if you get married: doesn't matter
What you look like: doesn't matter
How you dress: doesn't matter

Who you love: matters
How you treat them: matters
How you treat others whether you love/know them or not: matters

So, without further ado,

I really think you should click on this link. Just awesome.

Brandon "Sexy-Pants" Davies

2011-03-03T22:22:00.008-05:00

Oh goodness.

I've been trying not to blog about the Brandon Davies situation, but now that my tongue is about to bleed from all the biting...I gotta.

Pros:
-How cool is he for being 100% honest?? Talk about integrity!
-BYU is pretty awesome for sticking to their guns and not letting him play.
-We now know that Jimmer wasn't that awesome on his own. Team work, people!

Cons:
-BYU is now sucking big time. They got spanked on their home court.
-Poor Davies' situation (that I imagine he feels an insane amount of unnecessary guilt for) is ALL OVER THE NEWS.
-BYU's getting some negative attention.

This is what I imagine happened. Davies and his girlfriend have an unbelievably sweaty and hot night (or 2...or 3...or...) having some dirty, we've-been-suppressed-for-too-long sex. They both felt bad...but, let's be serious. She probably felt worse (especially after the whole pregnancy thing), and since she now has him wrapped around her...um...finger...with all of that naughty, mind blowing fornication, he'll do anything for her. She tells him that they need to talk to their bishop. He understands the repercussions, but, c'mon guyzzz. He's looking out for his future. His ETERNAL future (and maybe his no-longer-suppressed, now satisfied package...) So he agrees to see the bishop..and they tell him (sometimes in detail - depending on the bishop) of all of their sweaty sexcapades. Now, although Mr. Bishop is likely more than understanding of their situation (he probably deals with a handful of naughty college kids everyday - AND he's a GUY - der...) he is under obligation by the school's honor code to say something.

Or, maybe Davies' girlfriend just had to tell her parents that Planned Parenthood may have been a good idea after all.

And, voila. Here we are today.

And I gotta tell ya, I feel bad for Davies and his girlfriend. It's already hard enough dealing with the guilt when you're a Mormon. But now everyone knows what they've done. Man, I bet passing along that sacrament tray that they can no longer partake in is aaawwwkward.

Who wears short-shorts? I wear short-shorts!

2011-02-23T12:26:00.004-05:00

You guyzzzz! I just bought my first pair of shorts since I was, like, 12. 'Cause, you know, I was trying to be modest.Very tempted to cut off my long locks like the girl in this pic as well... Why isn't this a picture of me? Because her legs are much better than mine. And I'm going back to buy two more pair.

Darwinism fail

2011-02-22T09:25:00.000-05:00

I was going to make this post sound all glittery, eloquent, and awesome by comparing a lot of Darwin's theories to a particularly special young man who came into my store yesterday. But, as I reread it, the glittery Darwinism sort of took away from the point I really wanted to make: this kid's doucheness. (And, who am I kidding, that's more my mom's style).

So, without glittery words, this kid was a DOUCHE!!!

Oh lordy, can I get a free pass to punch someone at work without getting fired? And without assault charges?

Lemme start from the beginning. He walks in with his girlfriend. They're apparently awesome and know it because they were incredibly awful and snarky as soon as they got into the store. I just so happened to be working with one of the most adorable employees we have. We'll call him Scott.

Scott works in retail. He likes clothes. He dresses well. He's very friendly. He has no personal bubble so he has no problem invading yours. Sometimes he talks kind of fast.

All of those things could point to ---> GAY <--- if you're stereotyping...but Scott's not gay.

But guess what? The awesome couple immediately assumed he was gay...and proceeded to openly MAKE FUN OF HIM!! What the hell?? And what if he was gay? So what?? GAH!

This awesome customer decided he could change out in the open while his girlfriend watched. I was working with other people and didn't wanna deal with this guy so didn't realize what was happening. Then Scott approaches me and says, "Man, I'm really trying to hold it together, but that guy's a dick!"

I asked him what happened:

"Well, he's changing in the middle of the store and every time I walk passed him while he's trying stuff on he says, 'Stop checking me out,' or 'Don't look at my abs.' He's really making me feel bad."

Holy shit! Are you seeeerious???

This guy kept throwing out the snarky gay jokes, "Do you think I look hot in this?" while poor Scott had to be nice and hold it together because...well...it's customer service.

Scott and I are both pretty fed up with this guy and his lame girlfriend when he finally gets to the register to check out. I rung him up because Scott didn't want to deal with them anymore. Not surprisingly, the guy was an ass to me as well. Remember how I said I hate when people try to barter? That's what this awesome guy did.

"Dude, I can't do that. You want me to get fired?"

He and his girlfriend rolled their eyes at me and waited for me to change the price. I kept a straight face and didn't budge. Finally the guy lets out a big sigh and swipes his card. Aw, poor baby {as I mockingly pout my lower lip}.

This is the real kicker. As he and his girlfriend were walking out of the store, he turns around, looks at Scott and, in the most mockingly snarky tone ever, he says "It was fun flirting with you."

WTF...

While Scott and I thoroughly enjoyed "what-if-ing" about what we could have said, we work in customer service...and can't actually say those things.

What would you do in that situation?

I've got a very sassy gay friend and I can just imagine him saying, "Meh, you're not my type," or "I like guys with six packs," to that flabby, nasty, awful dude. Blech.

The Bachelor

2011-02-21T12:00:00.001-05:00

Hussy and I are still keeping up with The Bachelor.

You all know I love the occasional gossip mag...and I TOTALLY got this one (it's superficial, whatevs):
Not quite sure how genuine that Brad is now. (Not like I really think it's possible to find love on T.V. anyway...unless you're Ryan and Trista.)

Hussy will die if I tell you this...but he totally read the article. Or, as he says, "Meh, I just skimmed it." Psshhh.

ANYway...

Hussy and I are convinced that Michelle Money was planted on the show to cause drama and drive the ratings. I mean, c'mon. Who acts like that? And when Brad didn't give her a rose...instead of crying like all the other women, she laid down in the rejection car. Fo' realz?

She's not real.

...I'm watching it tonight. Don't bug me.

I'm going to OZ to get my courage back

2011-02-20T09:57:00.000-05:00

I'm sure some of you have noticed, I go back and forth between having my real name posted, and then taking it down. Putting it up, again. Taking it down. And then leaving it off...

Ope, wait. Puttin' it back up. Takin' it down. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

Part of the reason I'm scared? The every-once-in-a-while blog drama. Not awesome. Especially to future employers. But, hey. I'm feisty. It happens.

The other thing? That whole I-used-to-be-a-Mormon thing. I mean, I have very good memories of the church. I had developed some really good relationships with people in my wards. A few of my very best friends are Mormons. One of them in particular has no idea I have this blog and has no idea I have left. I just don't have the heart to tell her. It will kill her and it will most definitely kill our friendship.

The other thing? Blog stalkers. No, not the people who used to know you or who don't know you at all but still take an occasional peek at your life according to the blog world. I'm worried about the people who might be creepy about it. The people I should be concerned about if/when I post pictures of our future children. Should I even be worried about that?

Welp, I'm going to "woman up" again and just do it.

So, my name is Erin. Hussy's name is Jake. We have two awesome dogs named Scout and Lucy. We're stoked for OSU.

Nice to meet you.

I'm not very good at defusing awkward situations...

2011-02-18T09:46:00.001-05:00

I've been known to be a little tactless. I say what's on my mind. I mean, c'mon. No one likes to play games. You're a jackass? I'll let you know. Hell, Elizabeth Bennet was pretty good at speaking her mind and people really like her... But I guess it sounds a lot better when it's coming out of Jane Austen's mouth. Whatever.

I sorta wish Jane Austen had written parts of my life in order to make me sound assertive and tactful.

Sooo...to my story. Without playing games and leading you on...I got hit on last night. Like, someone was flirting with me. WTF? I haven't been hit on since I married Hussy. Granted, Logan, Utah just so happens to be extremely frigid and dry this time of year which makes for really awesome and rampant eczema breakouts all over my hands so I wasn't wearing my ring...but, still. I felt really awkward.

Like, really awkward.

My sister-in-law (who's still in high school) and I made a quick Walmart run to grab some treats for a project she needed for school. We knew for sure that we needed pringles but had a hard time finding the right aisle (not down the chips aisle, apparently). On our way to get some help, we pass boys. The end, right?

As we were debating about which flavor of pringles to get, I noticed two boys approaching us - the same boys (and I can tell you right now, I have at least three years on both of them - I think the acne gave it away*. Possibly still pubescent...ahem...but definitely in college). Out of nowhere one of them drops this winner of a line, "Man! It's cold outside! You guys keepin' warm?"

Foxy furrows brows and about pees herself. Are they trying to hit on us? Do I even remember what this is like? OMG!!! HOW DO I MAKE THIS GO AWAY???

The boys continue to speak. SIL and I are giving each other, "Oh shit/WTH??," looks.

Then one boy kindly extends his hand to me and says, "I'm Josh."

With all the tact I can muster, I extend my hand and say, "I'm married. And this is my sister-in-law...who's in high school."

Situation not defused. THEY PERSIST!! REALLY?? Maybe they didn't believe me. Too many rejections. They know all the tricks. But, sursly. I'm murried. And have eczema...which means no ring right now. Sursly.

And SIL is clearly underage. Josh continues to tell me he's going to San Fran. Why? I'm not quite sure. Maybe a last and desperate attempt to get a girl for the ride. Married or not.

While the other clearly-older-than-my-SIL kid continues to hit on her. "Do you have facebook?"

"...Yeah..." (poor girl. Pretty sure she soiled herself, too).

"Cool. Well, umm...if you have a good memory, here's my email. {says email address} Look me up."

Ay mi madre.

"Hey, SIL, did you pick your pringle flavor?"

"Yeah."

"Sweet. Let's go." Now speaking to the boys, "Umm...nice to meet you. I honestly am flattered. I haven't been hit on in a really long time. Nice to meet you...umm...later..."

SIL and Foxy walk away briskly. My last statement full of a whole lotta awkward.

Still feeling uncomfortable, I call Hussy, "Love! Who is my HUSBAND. I just got hit on. I haven't felt this uncomfortable since my last pap smear. I mean, freak, man! I'm freakin' out! It all started when we couldn't find the pringles because apparently they're not in the chips section at Walmart..."

Right as I say this, another kid comes up to us and says with a hint of flirt, "Oh, you can't find the pringles? I know where they are."

Eff. I'm gonna pull a Pam Anderson and get a tattooed wedding ring. My underage SIL may have to do the same.

*Gah, bitchy statement by me...but, sorry fellas, not my type and not my SIL's type. You'll find love in your own time.

I'm inspired

2011-02-15T09:05:00.000-05:00

I just read this blog. I think I have a new girl crush. This chick is AWESOME. She's not pretentious at all and she's so honest. I don't think she gives a shit about what she writes... And, if I'm being honest, I totally care about what I write. Dammit.

I KNOW that certain people are reading my blog thinking, "Mmm, that Foxy, she's really gone off the deep end. Look at what she writes. She's obviously unhappy. She's making such bad choices." (ahem...a good friend of mine actually said that she and her husband said this very thing about me. After having a real conversation with me about why I left, she honestly gets "it" and no longer feels this way about me. However, I know she's not the only one who has thought or is thinking like this. That's what Mormonism does. I thought the same thing about my own mother. If I remember right, I called her insecure and said she was "in Satan's grasp." I rock. But I also digress.)

This woman says exactly what she wants. She's controversial...just because she's honest. I mean, if you were totally honest on your blog and said exactly what you think...would you cause some drama?

So why do we hide this stuff??? Why are you keeping it in? If you feel it, LET IT OUT. If someone leaves a bitchy, passive aggressive comment, call them out (or wait and let your readers do it for you).

I mean, seriously, guys, if you're not completely honest on your blog, what's it for?

Retail etiquette. Hey, there's restaurant etiquette. So why not?

2011-02-14T09:45:00.003-05:00

The majority of the customers in my store rock. My employees also rock. But some people suck.

So, to the customers who are sometimes not awesome:

Don't buy a whole bunch of stuff in a whole bunch of other sizes just to take it home to your family who didn't want to come with you to the store to try it on. Why? When you return the sizes that didn't work, it REALLY hurts our numbers and it's a big, fat pain (for both of us). You have to come back, and we have to refold, rehang, retag, resize sticker, and resensor everything you return. On top of everything else we have to do. Just bring your family in. Eliminate the middle man. Easier for everyone. Oooor...if you don't want to bring your family in/they refuse to come, most of us are pretty knowledgeable about our clothing. I can guess someone's pant size as soon as they walk in the store. You tell me how big/med/small someone is and I'll find the right thing for them. Because, der. It's mah job. We're trained n'stuff.

Speaking of trying things on. Sure it sucks. But do it. I mean, if you're 100% sure that shirt or those pants are going to work out, do what you want. But if you're not sure and you'll likely have to come back and get a different size...umm...you had to try it on at home, right? It takes, like, an extra five minutes to try it on in the store vs. driving back and forth, wasting gas money, trying it on at home, and finding out you don't like it.

You don't think we have a lot to do because it's *just* retail? Go fug yourself.

You don't like that I mentioned numbers? Let me point out the obvious: we're a business. We're trying to make money.

Tangent: Why are people afraid of retailers? You don't want us to approach you? Don't come in the store. It's our job to approach you. Are we salivating over your sale? Don't flatter yourself. We have this job strictly to make money to pay billzzzzz..... We're more concerned about our hourly wage and how many hours we get than how much you buy. It might be different if we got commission. And thank the LAWD, we don't.

Don't be a jackass when you return/buy/just come in to look. Retailers deal with awful people all day long...and it's just our job. So be nice.

We have 30 other customers in the store. I can't actually bend over backwards just for you when I'm trying to help those 30 other customers. I've had a few people say, "I know how it works. All you have to do is a push a button...blah blah blah." No. That's actually not how it works. I push that button and you get what you want when I get written up. So...

You can't barter at my store. If the price says $29.50, it's friggin' $29.50...with tax.

Speaking of tax, don't freak out about it to me. I can't do anything about that. That's a problem between you and the government. Our store makes no profit from tax.

Oh you're shopping on Christmas Eve and we don't have exactly what you need and you're pissed at me? Pshh. Not my problem. That's what procrastination does, buddy.

If you're famous at the store for coming in, impulsively buying, and then returning most of it when you find out you don't like it or you feel buyer's remorse...you might want to see a professional about your buying habits. Dontcha think?

Showing off your new belly button ring - and you've already had 4 kids - and you're in your late 40s? Not awesome.

Oh you've had the same article of clothing for six months and it just ripped? We can't actually let you exchange it. It's not even worth it to throw a tantrum. I'm pretty positive that there's no store on earth that lets you trade "gently used" clothes for new ones. Ain't gonna happen.

You have a % off coupon and you want to use it on a $2 item? You're an idiot. Wait until you have a bigger sale...unless, that is, you have no intention of buying more later. THEN use the coupon.

You have a return and you want to use your coupon that specifically says {$10 off a purchase of $50 or more}...you have to spend $50 bucks (technically $40 with the ten dollars off...not including tax. Because we don't make a profit off tax. Didn't I mention that?) Your $50 return plus your $50 exchange equals $0. Not $50. Der....

I'm going to go into more detail on the tax thing. Your coupon says you have to spend $20 to get a certain amount or percentage off. You find an item that's $19.95 but rings up as $21.27 with tax so you think your coupon will work. Since we make NO profit from tax and about a dollar and thirty cents of your transaction is going to Uncle Sam, your coupon won't work on your $19.95 item. You really DO have to spend just five more cents to get the amount/percentage off. Lame, right? But, you're going to have to take that up with Uncle Sam. We don't make those rules.

Speaking of rules. Our store just so happens to be a fairly large business. International, even. So if you don't like some of our rules, marketing strategies, locations, credit card policy, etc etc etc? You're going to have to take it up with corporate. If little Foxy changes the rules for you, she gets in trouble. (One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone wants me to lower a price for them and when I say I'm not authorized to do that, they ask for a manager. I immediately get uncomfortable...because I am one of the managers. As soon as I tell them I'm a manager, it gets ugly. They get mad, throw a tantrum, and I have to try to settle them down before more customers get upset. It's awesome. One woman recently looked at me like she wanted to destroy me after telling her I was a manger, got WAY upset, threw down the article of clothing she wanted for much less than it was marked, and said, "Then I'll shop somewhere else!" and stormed off. Awesome).

You're buying a $4 item and you have a coupon for $10 off regardless of how much you spend? We can't use it. Coupons do not equal money. We can't give you $6 back because you had a coupon. After all, we spent the money to print the coupons and send them to you.

You didn't realize you were signing up for a credit card even though you filled out the application and gave away your social security number? You're an idiot.

You didn't realize you were signing up for a credit card even though you filled out the application and gave away your social security number and now you have a bill that you want US to pay? You're an idiot...and it ain't happnin'.

Another tangent: why are people so afraid of credit? My store credit card made my credit score go through the roof! I mean, if you're smart with credit, why's it so scary?

You're playing games in my store? It's a business. Not a playground. Scavenger hunts, not my fav.

You spill food on the floor? Two things: no food in the store; and LET US KNOW SO WE CAN CLEAN IT UP. ...Oh, and DON'T use our clothes to clean up the mess (this has only happened once. Aren't people awesome?)

Retailers: what else can I add?

Now I'm off to work.

Ahem...and, um, Happy Valentine's Day.

Valentine's Scrooge

2011-02-10T23:15:00.002-05:00

Hussy and I are not Valentine's Day people. Neither of us are big fans of "expected" love. I mean, we celebrated our first Valentine's Day together...and it felt cheesy and fake. We were done with the holiday after that.

We celebrate our love on other days. I could be cheesy and say that we do it everyday...in little ways. Ew, gag, right? But really.

So, tell me. Do you like Valentine's Day? Yes? No? If no, why not? If yes, why do you like it and what do you do to celebrated it?

Hussy and I are celebrating by *maybe* going to a movie.

Super Bowl

2011-02-06T20:22:00.003-05:00

Okay, this is a little early because I'm still waiting for my team to win... (black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow!)

BUT...some commercials have been awesome.

Others, meh.

Christina Aguilera got the lyrics wrong when singing the national anthem...

But the best part about the games so far? And my point to this post...?

Who has read the Hunger Games? Didn't the half time show totally remind anyone else of the Capitol? I mean, seriously. And the dancers in white outfits... Avoxes, right?

Whatever, call me a nerd. I loved those books.*

*Entertaining story but if you're into the classics and you refuse to read anything else, you will hate these books. Trust me. It's definitely not Dickins or Austen esque. But if you're willing to get passed the writing, the story is awesome!

Posts I wish I wrote

2011-02-06T09:09:00.000-05:00

I KNOW the earth is flat!

An awesome, easy to read and relate to, non-threatening exit story.

Why you suck if you're gay...according to Lavar Christensen.

And,

The most thorough explanation about the brain I have ever read.

Thoughts? I promise you, ever single one of those posts is worth the read. And I really wanna know your thoughts. Really really really.

The magic of periods and retail

2011-02-05T09:01:00.003-05:00

In the glorious world of retail it's common to have run-ins with some pretty interesting people. The word "interesting" is the umbrella term for {totally weird, stinky, awful, more rude than anyone I've ever met, needy, snobby, and WTF, WTF, WTF, WTF} For all of you in retail, did that cover it?

My store just so happens to be customer service based instead of commission based. It is literally our job to help customers. Pushing is not our style (thank goodness). We try to get other things done while making ourselves available to help when needed. When I say "help," I mean getting another size, hunting something down for you in the back room, seeing if we have something online (which will ship for FREE to your HOUSE. Yyyyeah), ringing you up, and figuring out the issue with your credit card. Apparently to some people it means babysitting their kids while they try on clothes in the dressing room and cleaning up baby poop which has inconveniently exploded out the sides of your child's diaper. Yes. I have done both. The former more than once. Although I have only cleaned baby poop once, baby spit up is available in surplus at our store. (Just FYI, this is not to say I'm not willing to babysit or clean up even while at my store. I get that being a mom can be stressful). But I digress...

One particularly interesting woman came into the store the other day. I'm still not quite sure what happened.

One of my associates asked this woman for help which she readily refused. And not just refused. This woman was upset. She did not want to be bothered. I would have just shrugged it off because we get people like that sometimes. However, I wasn't warned. As two of my associates were preoccupied with other things, I approached this woman. Big no-no in her book.

Our conversation went something like this:

Foxy: Hey, your hands are full. Are you still doing okay? Do you want me to put your stuff up front or start a fitting room for you?

Woman having bad day: You guys have already talked to me, like, six times. It's getting annoying. If I need help, I'll ask for it.

Foxy: Oh, sorry about that. But don't worry. We're customer service based. None of us are paid on commission. We really are just trying to help.

Woman (apparently not diggin' that I'm still talking to her and likely having daydreams about scratching out my eyeballs): Well you guys are just... ...you need to communicate better. You've already talked to me. I'll ask for help when I need it.

At this point I'm getting a little peeissed (yes, say "pissed" with accent). Sure, I wanna keep up with numbers...because this is a business...but I'm damn good at my job. If I don't get your sale and you're a jackass, I'd rather you get outta my store because I'll get a better sale later.

Anyway...

My response was: Oh {obviously taken aback and REALLY trying not to tell her that she's awful} Well, if you need help, I'm sure you'll let us know... And just so YOU know, this is our job. Not our life." Doing my best to imply that we're people and that we'd appreciate it if she treated us with kindness... I mean, SERIOUSLY!!!

It gets better...

Oftentimes I don't get a lunch so Hussy will bring me food (and TMI, I just so happened to be in my pre-period stage and I was STARVING. You know that time when you wanna eat the WORLD??? Yeah, that time).

On cue, Hussy brought me fast food (let's hear a collective "eeeewwww." But hey, the period gets what the period wants... And this time she called for a big, fatty, juicy cheeseburger). I held up my bag of fatty goodness and signaled to my girls that I was putting it in the back room. The scary woman (hey, maybe she was on her period, too) squinted her eyes into slits, raised one eyebrow and said, "Lunch?"

Foxy: Yep!

Woman possibly on period then patronizingly asks, "Is it healthy?"

Oh man, this woman just challenged my much scarier, much feistier, much more ballsy altar ego named Menster Ashin. She. was. PEEEEEEEISSED. But classily (I know, not a word) held it together...and went and scarfed down her fatty, unhealthy lunch in the back room.

But, alas! Scary, awful, health nazi got to me. I finished one burger and couldn't finish the other. I promptly called another hungry associate back and asked her if she wanted it.

When I emerged from the back room, Mrs. PMS was still lecturing my other associate about health food. "Do you know how long it takes to walk of just one ice cream cone?"

Ay mi madre. I wanted to call mall security for food blasphemy. Plus, isn't that a violation of "girl code?" I mean, telling another girl "how long it's going to take to walk off that candy bar" is like telling her she'd be "so much cuter in that swimsuit if you just lost that chunky ass fat rolling around on your northern end." Right??

Speaking of asses...mine just so happens to be smaller than health food nazi/PMS lady's. Hmmph (period says what period wants to say).

Ahem.

In an attempt to change the subject, my awesome associate started to talk about where this woman is from.

"Maryland."

I relax at this point. We have something in common (sort of).

Foxy: Oh really? What part?

Woman who is progressively becoming nicer: Annapolis.

Foxy: My dad is in Frederick County! It's beautiful back there. Why'd you guys move way out here?

Woman who I think may have wanted to be my BFF at this point: We moved our here for my husband's job. We miss Maryland. It really is so beautiful and green out there.

Foxy being ballsy and a teeny bit nosy: Cool! Are you guys LDS as well?

Woman starting to hate me again: No! But I sure have learned a lot about it.

Foxy: Oh I know what you mean. I just recently left because of the things I learned.

Here's where I get confused...

Woman seeing a missionary experience: Well I'm a member of {bleeeeeep}* and we have a lot of xLDS members who come to our church. It's great. Yada yada yada.

Foxy: .....Umm...yeah...ummm...well now that everyone thinks I'm Satan's Spawn, maybe I'll come check it out...

Woman with a look of pure sympathy on her face: Oh, honey...{GIVES FOXY A HUG}

The rest is a blur.

I'm confused.

But I guess this is what periods do. Ups and downs right?

*Her religion is bleeped because, for the life of me, I can't remember what she said. I think I heard some Episcopalian, Protestant, Saint...somethnsomethnsomethn.

Should gays be parents?

2011-02-04T08:49:00.000-05:00

Sorry for posting two videos in a row...but holy smokes. I couldn't pass this one up. What an amazing 19 year old kid!

Now that you've seen the video, what are your REAL thoughts? Are you pro? Against? I'm genuinely interested in hearing arguments for and against gay marriage.
While I'm at it...

So...we're being honest. What do you think?

Too good not to share

2011-02-03T09:46:00.000-05:00

This makes me want to be a doctor. Or researcher. Just awesome. I may or may not have gotten just a teeny bit teary when I watched it.

Passive Agressiveness

2011-02-02T08:27:00.000-05:00

Originally posted by Cognitive Dissenter. This lovely lady wrote this specifically for me. Because she kicks ass. And knows I deal with passive aggressiveness on a daily basis.

So here you go, from mi madre.

Some of my most annoying frustrations in life were when I interacted with someone and came away feeling somehow violated. Yet the other person involved often smiled while we talked and the tone of their voice was often bubbly, even jubilant.

But something was off. It was the subtle jabbing insult. I knew the person was displeased or wanted to get under my skin but we carefully dodged around the elephant in the room and pretended it wasn’t there. We were superficially nice. This type of behavior was considered normal in my world. I know I’m not unique in this regard. The unspoken cardinal rule: NEVER MENTION THE E.L.E.P.H.A.N.T.!

The day I finally did was life-altering. It was liberating. I don’t remember if I knew the word “empowered” back then but that’s what I had inadvertently done. To myself.

I learned much later about passive aggressive behavior. A passive aggressive is a master of covert abuse. That’s why I had felt violated. I was. My frustration came from believing I couldn’t do anything about it. Because that would have been rude. Nobody in my world ever talked openly about the E.L.E.P.H.A.N.T. We only paid lip service to the standard, “We believe in being honest …” We obviously didn’t when it came to our personal feelings about each other.

Passive aggressive behavior fosters superficially nice relationships poisoned with strong, hateful and extremely resentful undercurrents. Ya’ll smile and make nice when you get together for Thanksgiving dinner and revern’tly invoke god’s presence and thank him for your family and all that superficial shit you don’t really mean … then secretly talk about “that doofus, Uncle Jabba the Hut” and how “so-and-so is such a jerk/bitch” on the drive home. It’s ugly and unhealthy.

For many years I obediently avoided the elephant until the Red Letter Day when something strangely rational inside me said, “You know, this is childish bullshit. Confront her about her behavior. Honestly.”

So I did and was stunned by the results. The person who had been giving me the cold shoulder/silent treatment for days, ignoring me yet talking condescendingly about me to others as if I wasn’t present when I obviously was, completely denied not only her behavior. She denied being angry or upset with me. Why would she do that? I puzzled to myself. Why is she so afraid to have an honest conversation and simply explain why she’s upset? I can handle it.

But she couldn’t. Understanding that is key.

I knew at some intuitive level she was deathly afraid of my honesty but it took a few more years for me to put all the pieces together. In the meantime, after years of the covert abuse that was a normal part of my world I turned a corner. I had finally empowered myself. Honesty was the source of my power. Simple and beautiful honesty.

To understand why honesty unravels passive aggressiveness you need to understand why people are passive aggressive. In an oversimplified nutshell, passive aggressives have been conditioned to repress healthy expressions of anger or dissatisfaction so they manifest their anger and frustration in unhealthy and covertly abusive ways.

Although certainly not exclusive to Mormonism, this behavior is very common among Mormon women because they are taught to always be happy, perky, bubbly, smiling, and to put on the fake appearance of the perfect June Cleaver-ish life. I cringe every time I hear about some study showing that Utah is “the happiest state in the nation.” Of course they are. They’re supposed to be, even when they’re in private agony — they sure as heck won’t tell you how they really feel; and they know the right answers to all those survey questions even if they have to gulp down a few Prozac before they can get through them all with that glazed smile that never reaches their eyes. Naturally, this false facade wears on people and many develop passive aggressive personality traits as a result. Which means they don’t get angry. They get even.

And no one does it better than a bubbly Mormon woman with a bright smile, a delicious casserole, and a backhanded insult about your kid’s dirty runny nose and your new “boyish” haircut and how you must be “so brave to go that short.” Or the roommate who is assigned by the Relief Society to give you secret gifts but turns the heat down in your apartment to 55 degrees in January, freaks out when you raise it to 65 degrees and promptly turns it back down, and when you try to discuss it with her she denies ever touching the thermostat yet bitches to your other roommates about how you’re wasting money. Sound familiar?

Passive aggressives don’t tell the people who offend them that they are offended. They do not admit it when they are miserable. They don’t do honest and direct confrontation. They prefer being perpetually offended rather than quickly resolving what is usually a petty issue that no normal person would remember a few days later. But the passive aggressive may never forget it. They can hold grudges like a cold dead hand.

Passive aggressives tend to lack insight into their passive aggressive behavior. When confronted honestly, they are usually and easily offended and fall into the role of a victim. Healthy confrontation makes them freak. Out. Inside. Because they don’t want you to know they’re freaking out.

Because passive aggressive behavior operates on the ability to insult others oh-so-subtly, third persons may not pick up on the inappropriate behavior. Or they may be so used to the behavior it seems normal. From a passive aggressive’s vantage point where self-insight does not exist, you are the one with the problem. Thus you can only empower yourself against their covert abuse. And it’s really easy to do.

Here’s how it works. Passive aggressives are bullies, and like all bullies, they are the true cowards who are frustrated with their own feelings of powerlessness. Nothing scares them more or has them running for the hills faster than the Mother of All Big Guns: Personal Accountability.

This creates a power shift. When you hold them accountable for their behavior, you no longer feel violated and frustrated. You feel empowered. Because you are. And because they are so fearful of personal accountability, they become gun shy about jabbing you. You win. They lose. The end. (And just maybe … when you hold them accountable, they may learn somethin’ … they may get a tiny peak into their own psyches and thus a little self-insight to see there is something off about their behavior. Just maybe. But don’t count on it.)

The key to unraveling and disempowering a passive aggressive: POINT OUT THAT LARGE SMELLY ELEPHANT. LOUDLY. DISCUSS EVERYTHING FROM ITS IVORY TUSKS TO ITS STRINGY TAIL TO ITS HAIRY ELEPHANT SCROTUM. BECAUSE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVES HATE TALKING ABOUT FACTS AND PROPER TERMINOLOGY LIKE “SCROTUM.”

When you confront the passive aggressive directly and honestly and hold him accountable for his behavior, he will choke on his tongue and suddenly have to run some errands or something. Here are a few scenarios to consider (PA = Passive Aggressive):

PA: ***angrily slams cupboard door shut and sighs loudly***

You: You just slammed the cupboard door. Are you trying to tell me you’re angry about something? Because I’d rather you just talk to me like an adult.

In my experience the PA will get really uncomfortable and laugh sheepishly then deny being angry. “Oh no! It’s not yooouuuu. I’m just frustrated about that oily mess in the Gulf of Mexico …” See, the PA wants you to know s/he’s angry with you, but they don’t want to tell you why. They want you to wonder about it. Your hurt and confusion is unhealthily empowering to them. They also know their anger is petty so when you ask them about it they will usually deny. Try it. Then return and report.

PA: (Talking about you to someone else in the room while ignoring your obvious presence): I guess Some People just think they’re smarter than us mere Earthlings.

You: I get that you’re upset that I don’t believe in your church anymore. You don’t need to pretend I’m not here. I’m happy to talk to you directly about my reasons if you’d like.

In case you’re wondering, the PA will not take you up on your offer (I mean, you totally defeated the purpose of her game; you do get that, right?). She will STFU and probably rarely if ever make a comment like that in your presence again. Remember, PA’s are also cowards and your honest and direct confrontation scares the bejeebus out of them.

PA: (Talking to husband while ignoring the wife she wants to jab): Honey, would you like some cake? Here, I brought you the last piece. (Then seeming to suddenly realize wife is there): Oh! I didn’t mean to exclude yoouuu. You’re on a diet anyway, right?

Wife: You just excluded me from your hospitality and suggested I’m fat. That’s very passive aggressive behavior and suggests you’re upset with me for some reason. Have I done something to offend you? Because I’d prefer to talk about it honestly and like adults rather than play games.

Of course the PA will again deny. But she will also likely stop this type of behavior.

Bear in mind that holding PA’s accountable for their behavior will not likely improve your relationship with them because it takes two to tango. They have to be willing to recognize then change their behavior and you don’t have any control over that.

But empowering yourself against a passive aggressive is an awesome feeling.

What are your experiences with passive aggressives? Please share. I still have so much to learn.

If I ever need to blackmail Hussy...

2011-02-01T21:30:00.004-05:00

Guaranteed I'm not the only girl in the world who watches trashy television sometimes. Don't judge me. Or do. Whatevs.

As far as trashy television goes, I'm currently watching (online throughout the whole week because we don't have cable):

Gossip Girl,
Vampire Diaries,
Pretty Little Liars,
AND
The Bachelor...

Hussy and I watch a few non-trashy shows together. Namely Big Bang Theory, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Arrested Development, and Modern Family. Our current flavor of the week TV show is Modern Family. It's a good flavor. I don't think we'll be getting sick of it anytime soon.

Hussy would never admit that sometimes he watches some of the aforementioned trashy shows with me.

Oh man, Hussy is gonna kill me...

But...

WE HAD A SERIOUS CONVERSATION ABOUT THE BACHELOR LAST NIGHT!!

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Oh my goodness!

Comments were flying about that show for a good half hour after I (ahem...WE) watched it.

"Ew. I can't stand Michelle!"

"Ah! That girl is so awkward! What is she doing?"

"*Gasp* he took her shopping in Vegas?? Jealous!!"

"Oh my gosh! He wasted a rose on Alli??"

"Why didn't he give Lisa a rose? She seems cool."

"I LOVE Emily! She has porn star hair and teeth and a perfect body and I wanna hate her but I think we could be BFFs! Brad HAS to pick her!"

"That girl acts like a child."

"Michelle is just a temptress. I have yet to see her real personality."

"Aw, Britt just seems so nice and normal."

"Ew. She looks like a horse."

I'm not telling who said what. Mainly because I don't remember. However, about a half hour into the conversation Hussy stopped...pointed at me and said, "Don't you blog about this."

And then he said he'd delete my blog (*snort*). We were both laugh-crying by this point.

My favorite part of the conversation is when we said, almost simultaneously, that we would both go on the show just for the awesome dates - even though we're married. If the bachelor/bachelorette ever leaned in for a kiss, we would press our lips together and make an *icky* face. Then we'd quickly hug the person, look into the camera, mouth "ew" while making the icky face again and shaking our heads. Just to keep our spouse reassured that we still love them.*

*Don't take me too seriously. We were joking. And still laugh-crying.

Me llamo Foxy. Hablo espanol

2011-01-31T08:42:00.000-05:00

I currently have the Rosetta Stone program to learn Spanish. I have never used it...with the resource right at my finger tips...

The title to this post originally said, "Mi nombre est Foxy. Soy habla espanol." I'm observant. But I don't ask questions like I should. "Mi nombre est..." although one can technically say that (minus the "est" which is Latin - "es" is Spanish), is a little more formal and wordy than "me llamo..." And, man. "Soy habla espanol" is wrong on so many levels. "Soy" means "I am," while "habla" means "you/he/she speaks." Leave out the "soy" and use "hablo" (with an O) instead. Lovely Hussy pointed this out to me. Every once in a while he'll sit down and teach me because I'm obviously not bustin' out the Rosetta Stone (I'm sure I'll be bitchin' when I'm learning subjunctives)...and I try to catch on to as many conversations in the Spanish language as I can.

Whenever someone comes into work who only speaks Spanish, I immediately say, "Poquitissimo Espanol, un minuto," ("very little Spanish, one minute") and run to grab an actual Spanish speaker. See, Hussy has taught me some valuable phrases.*

Yesterday, there was no such person to run to. No one to translate. I was trying to explain a certain aspect about the business to a Hispanic man to no avail. Although we were laughing, we were both getting frustrated. So, I called Hussy.

I explained to Hussy what I was trying to tell this man and asked Hussy to speak to him. In my (very VERY lame) attempt to explain to this gentleman what was going on, I pointed to the phone and said, "Mi esposa," and smiled and gave him the phone.

I suck.

I just told him my wife was on the phone. You should have seen his surprise and very slight smile (as I'm sure he was trying to suppress a laugh) when he heard a man's voice on the other line. So, apparently I'm observant...just an idiot. Hussy says, "mi esposa" all the time. But then again, he IS referring to his wife. face/palm

*"Donde esta el bano" is another valuable phrase Hussy has taught me (where is the bathroom) along with "Creo que hice pipi un poquito en mis pantalones" (I think I just peed a little in my pants). And some swear words. Once, Hussy told me to show off my "skillz" to one of his Dominican buddies. I thought he meant the swear words... And ended up swearing at a very straight-laced Seventh Day Adventist. *Foxy puts foot in mouth*

I think it's time for a laugh

2011-01-30T09:57:00.000-05:00

A gift for you!

2011-01-29T09:37:00.001-05:00

You guys will love this.

I pretty much friggin' died when I read it. Especially certain quotes like, "Because of course, all ex-Mormons have a great opinion of what Mormon life is like (roll eyes)."

Ouch, honey.

At one point she says that wanting to "pass along your genes" to future children is a carnal desire. I'm not sure what she means by that. Is she being dirty?

And what animals in the animal kingdom is she referring to that "give up their lives to procreate?" What, are you referring to the male black widow spider...er...the black widower...er...whatever? Because that dude got eaten by a rockin' feminist chick. With a rad, black shiny suit...just sayin'.

Oh, lordy. There's just too much to comment on. I don't even know where to start. Have fun, peeps.

*disclaimer, if this chick ever reads my blog and has the audacity to say, "Waaah! You're exmormon! You're targeting me! Boo hoo!!" Pshh, guuurl *snaps three times*, you did the same thing to the atheist chick you just wrote a novel about on on yo' blog. Suck it, hoe. And yeah, I linked to the blog post three times. I don't want anyone to miss it.

Hussy is SO dead!

2011-01-28T20:11:00.003-05:00

Sooo...let's just be frank here and say I am no longer the same size I was when I got married.

I'm always telling Hussy to "be honest" with me. "Babe, seriously, does this look okay? Can you tell I'm out of shape?"

And Hussy's just too damn nice, "Babe! You look great!"

Shut up, dude. Fo realz. Tell me. Do I look like I could use a few consistent workouts? (And trust me, I'm very VERY soft...as in my mid-section...and arms...and cheeks...and legs...and butt. Not just my feelings when it comes to cute fuzzy bunnies, kittens, and puppies. I'm, like, SOFT soft. Literally).

So after a year or so of whining, "BAAAaaaAAAbe. Really. Be honest. Tell me." (I've just been in denial. I KNEW I was soft... But if Hussy can't tell, then who cares, right?) Hussy finally cracked.

As I was comparing my most current facebook picture with one taken a couple of years ago I exclaimed, "Shit. You can even see it in my face!" So later in the car I said, "Hussy, can you tell that I'm softer by looking at my face?" and then I told him about my facebook picture comparison. His word-for-word response was, "In your face?? No." Oh, you stupid douche, what do you mean by that (kidding, I was laughing).

"Okay, well where can you see it then?"

"Meh, maybe in your legs."

Whore.

I need to work out.

The recipe bandwagon

2011-01-26T09:27:00.003-05:00

Good news, my loves (I'm currently sporting my hippie alter ego - peace, love, and happiness, my friends).

Anyway, onto the good news. I've figured out a way to satisfy everyone as far as my blog goes. No wordpress. And no blogspot. I'll even (sort of) satisfy the two people who voted to have me stop blogging forever! Don't you worry, honey bunz, I'm gonna start a WEBSITE!! (*Foxy begins to daydream and sees the word "domain" in lights with loads of awesome fireworks going off behind it*) And I'll still be right here. Awesome.

You'll still find me in your google reader but I'll be at foxypinkcheetah.com. DOT COM!!! WOOOOOO!!

To celebrate the good news, I'm going to give you all my all-time favorite recipe. I know it's cliche, but you guys will have an orgasm in your mouth when you eat this. Plus, warm soup is perfect for this weather.

Thai Coconut Soup

3 cups vegetable broth
1 red onion, sliced
6 garlic cloves, minced
2 tbsp olive oil
2 12oz cans of coconut milk
2 cups shiitake mushrooms
2 chopped lemon grass stalks
10-12 slices of ginger
2 thinly sliced carrots
2 med sized chicken breasts cut into cubes
1 lemon (or lemon juice is fine)
4 tbsp cilantro

Prepare the vegetable broth in a large pot on medium heat. Saute Chicken until cooked. Using a big frying pan, sauté the onions, mushrooms, garlic and carrots in the olive oil (leave carrots fairly crunchy since they will cook more in the soup). Then, add the broth, coconut milk, lemongrass, cooked chicken and squeeze the juice of the lemon into the mixture (or add 1 -2 tbsp lemon juice). Keep this mixture on low until it begins to simmer (approximately 20 - 25 minutes). Stir regularly. Before serving, add the fresh cilantro (I love cilantro so I add a lot).

Also, if you like your food spicy, add 4 chili peppers (more or less depending on how spicy you want it) at the same time you add the lemons/lemon juice.

If you try this, I WANT TO KNOW! Let me know what you think. Enjoy!

New Foxy Pink Cheetah tradition! Google Tuesdays

2011-01-25T09:10:00.000-05:00

I'm one of those weird kids who played Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy as a kid. Don't judge me.

I'm just drawn to trivial facts. Who came up with the idea that the moon is made of cheese? Where did nail polish come from? Were the pyramids really built by ALIENS??? I mean, c'mon.

So, due to my nerdiness, I am now starting the "Google Tuesdays" series. Will it be every Tuesday? Meh, I don't know. Depends on if I wanna google something. Will it always be awesome? Uh, yeah. But I'm also answering my own questions.

So for my first "Google Tuesday," WHO THE HELL THOUGHT OF CHEWING GUM??? Etc...

A little background about Foxy and gum. I'm an addict. But I don't chew it like a cow chews its cud. I chew it until it is thoroughly mixed (I know you know what I mean) and then I put it under the right side of my tongue. For hours. When I feel the need for fresher breath, up it comes and I chew it for about a minute. Then back it goes. (I'm currently laughing at the visual this paragraph put into my head).

My addiction started as a kid. As soon as I discovered the deliciousness of the zebra stripe gum, I was hooked. My mom began to use it as an incentive for me to learn. What did I get when I learned how to count to 100? Learned my ABC's? When I could finally tie my shoes on my own? When I stopped picking and eating my boogers? Zebra stripe.

My childhood addiction became, umm...interesting... when my mom discovered I was picking up ABC gum wherever I found it. My particular fav was this kind of gum. Disgusting, I know. But this is also coming from a kid who used to eat dirt. I was apparently severely anemic.

But really, who's idea was it to stick something in your mouth that gets better with saliva and you can chew for hours?? Gross.

I was impressed to immediately find this when I googled. An entire google search page of the history of chewing gum? Who knew?

Just the basics: Ancient Greeks and Mayans used to chew it all the time. Then, the American Indians passed it onto the settlers who ran with the idea. In 1848 John B. Curtis made the first commercial chewing gum. In 1880 John Colgan invented a chewing gum with a longer lasting flavor. In 1906 the first bubble gum was invented by Frank Fleer but the gum never sold. The Wrigley Doublemint brand was invented in 1914. And then in 1928, a man named Walter Diemer ran with Mr. Fleer's bubblegum idea and invented Double Bubble.

Thomas Adams is most recognized for the invention of chewing gum in 1870. Prior to opening the first brand name gum (Adams New York No. 1) he unsuccessfully tried to use chicle as a substitute for rubber on all of his other inventions. After yet another failed attempt he popped a piece in his mouth and began to chew it. The rest is history.

Cool facts:
The first flavored gum was called Black Jack (which is delicious if you like black licorice).
The average American chews over 300 sticks of gum every year. (ew...)
It doesn't really take 7 years to digest. (der...)
Over $2 billion of gum is sold each year. (we could save Haiti with that money)
Most gum is made with rubber. (I don't know how I feel about that)
The U.S. military regularly supplies its soldiers with gum to relieve stress and improve concentration. (Had I known this in grade school, I would have used it as an excuse to chew gum in school)
DO NOT chew or buy gum made with vinyl acetate because it is a carcinogen. If the ingredients on the package ambiguously mention "gum base" they are referring to this ingredient. Don't chew it.
There's a hefty fine in Germany for disposing of your gum on the street.

The end.

Call it reverse feminism...

2011-01-24T09:46:00.000-05:00

But these quotes from a blogger who will remain anonymous (and who doesn't read mine...to the best of my knowledge) made me cringe.

While talking about the new blog she just started, she said, "Anyway...I'm going to move away from making this a shrine of {Husband's Name}. Even though I could probably do that easily." I love Hussy, like, a lot, but I would rather not make this blog a shrine about him. I mean, dental school...BORING!! (Kidding, love you, sugar.)

It get's better/worse. Depending on how you look at it. And since I'm no longer a Mormon, I'm obviously super negative. Obvs.

"Right now I love the gym and shopping and anything coconut!" Okay, you're adorable. And I love shopping (online...in my underpants), and would probably love the gym if I went. And I have recently really learned to love pina coladas. TWINNERZ!

While talking about what her first year of marriage has taught her, she said this lovely gem, "I especially have learned what it means to SAVE and to avoid the Buckle at all costs. Except when {my husband} gives me giftcards. :) It's been an adjustment but definitely an adjustment for the better. {My husband} has helped me in so many ways to become better and I am always so grateful to follow his example." Hrmmm...I really am at a loss for words. Where do I start? The emoticon? No... Good job for budgeting...? No... Or the fact that I can't tell if you're your own person...because it kinda just sounds like you worship the ground your husband walks on. Which is fine. Whatevs. I mean, whatever floats your boat...but is that healthy??

This next one hurt a little. "Always aspire to be worthy of the person you marry. Sometimes it seems like {my husband} is just too good, but I always try to act in a way that I can show Heavenly Father I deserve the blessing he is." Okay, am I being overly sensitive because I just left Mormonism...? Or is this a legitimate concern? I mean, I love Hussy and he's awesome and I'm definitely lucky... But is it big-headed of me to say that I'm awesome and he's lucky, too?

"I heard my institute teacher a few weeks ago, talking about the Atonement and the significance of Christ's words, "Thy will be done," when he was suffering so much. My institute teacher then said quietly, 'Think about that in your marriage and your relationships.'" So, I totally agree that there are situations when you compromise but if Hussy came to me and said, "Babe, God told me to sleep with 14 year old girls. Promise. He even sent an angel with a sword!" Ay mi madre. Screw his will and screw compromise. It ain't happenin'.

"Never leave the house a mess with {my husband} home alone. He will clean the entire thing and I will feel like a jerk." Yeah, honey. You should feel that way. Because keeping it clean is your job. Oh, what? You didn't keep it clean even though you weren't the only one contributing to the mess? Welp, it's your job to clean it up, then. Always.

And lastly, "'Supportive wife' is often a misunderstood term. I've learned that being supportive isn't as much rolling your eyes and letting him go to all his meetings or secretly not wanting to move away for grad school but smiling when the topic arises. Planning life around the things that are important to him. I never knew the blessings and peace that come when I serve him so that he can serve the young men in our ward, or how his happiness in succeeding is the fuel to my happiness." The fuel to YOUR happiness??? Umm...sorry for those of you who really hate this word, but what the fuck???? (Uh-oh. Foxy just used the "F" word. She's really gone off the deep end...)

Seriously, guys. Am I just being overly sensitive or is this chick totally brainwashed??

Next question

2011-01-22T13:04:00.000-05:00

So...I'm a writer. Not a computer genius.

Can anyone tell me how to:

a). make my blogspot look just like my wordpress (I've been trying forever! I've tried everything from downloading the template's zip file and trying to upload it, to editing the HTML to be more compatible with blogger)

or

b). find/make the correct code to transfer all my followers from my Google Friend Connect to a widget in wordpress (I've also done just about everything here. I've been googling "how to"s for the last couple of hours).

In the comments on my last post staying with blogspot seems to be the winner so far. So, to those of you who commented, if I am able to transfer all of you over to wordpress so that you'd still be able to follow me, will that solve the problem? Apparently I can do that. I can also somehow manipulate search engines to only bring up my current site (whether I stick with blogspot or wordpress) so that no one is left behind.

However, in the poll on my side bar, wordpress is winning. To you guys, if I make this blog look just the wordpress one would that be cool, too?

Just trying to figure out my options. Remember, this is coming from a fairly computer illiterate 25 year old kid. I don't know if I'll be able to do any of this stuff. BUT, I do want my site to be easier for all of you. I can go either way. Wordpress, blogspot, no big deal.

Vote

2011-01-22T02:01:00.000-05:00

Okay, guys. Thanks to Melissa, I switched browsers and was able to change my template (WTH, Firefox???)

So, now that you've seen them both, what do you really think?

Wordpress

or

Blogspot (pointless to click on that link. You'll end up right back here).

Voting starts...nnnnow.

Peeps, we have a problem

2011-01-21T21:55:00.003-05:00

I can't change my blogger template. I don't get it.

Is it my internet connection? Is something broken?? WHAT IS WRONG??? AHHHHHH!!!!!!

So, I made a draft wordpress site. Don't hate me.

Tell me what you think.

If you really hate it and want me to stay with blogger, please help me change my template. It's making me crazy. Two sidebars is totally overrated.

Passions of a narcissistic blogger

2011-01-20T22:00:00.001-05:00

My mom sent me the link to this article.

Basically Steve Pavlina asserts that becoming a slave for the business of someone else in an attempt to make a decent living is - well - moronic.

And I get it. (A big part of me wanted to say "sort of" between "I" and "get" but I want Steve Pavlina to think I'm a genius if he ever reads my blog. So I don't just "sort of" get it. I TOTALLY get it.)

All that wasted time promoting someone else's* business when you could have been promoting your own. GAHH!!! It sort of makes me crazy. It's at least once a day that, "If only I owned this place, I would do this that way...or that this way yada yada yada" comes outta my mouth at work. I have to go through the corporate office if I want to do something different.

Steve** also says that you are more likely to be successful when you start a business based on your passions.

Steve, do these passions count?

In no particular order, here are my passions:
1. Candy. (Sorry, mom. You raised me to eat healthily...I failed.) We got a box of Fun-Dips for Christmas and guess who ate 'em? But candy has been done. Willy Wonka pretty much stole that dream from me. And I don't really wanna jump on the cupcake, cake-pop train.

2. Gossip mags. .................ummm............yeah.....guilty pleasure admitted... But, dude. When Justin Beiber and Selena Gomez hooked up, pshh. That is some deep shit. Had to read about it. That one time Jennifer Aniston was rumored pregnant...yeah. AND, the time Angelina Jolie put the blood of her boyfriend in a vile. Intense. It's like a train wreck. I can't look away. It sort of reminds me of this season of The Bachelor... Don't judge me.

3. Relaxing. Can that be a passion? I'm great at it. Reading books in the bathtub with whatever snack I desire (Fun-Dips) and lavender salts...I rock at that.

4. Talking about how I want to exercise. I'm grrreat at that. As I sit here on my boo-tay...talking about how I want to exercise. SEE? New Year's Resolution: make a goal to make a goal to work out. Check.

5. Singing in the shower, daydreaming that I'm in front of an audience. Or on Oprah - sans being in the shower. I don't think Oprah is into that. The "in front of an audience" part of singing is not a passion of mine. Singing might not work out for me for that reason alone.

6. Art. I really like art. BUT, I have to be in a creative mood to do it. When I work 4o+ hours a week on my feet...I'm usually not feelin' it. But I reeeaaallly need to finish my children's book. I promise you guys will love it. (Cocky? Sure.)

7. Socializing. I was always the kid who got in trouble for being "chatty" when my mom went to Parent/Teacher Conference. *shrugs shoulders*

8. Facebook stalking. Another train wreck I can't look away from. And did you guys see The Social Network? Awesome movie. It made me want to be computer smart. (That just ain't happenin'.) Even though I really admire Mark Zuckerberg, I admittedly felt really bad for the Winklevoss brothers and Eduardo Saverin at the end of the movie. I kinda think they should have more shares in the company than they do. ANYway...

9. Blog stalking. Sometimes a train wreck (the link to the best blog post on the web) and most times incredibly entertaining and awesome. I was going to link to some awesome posts/blogs in that last sentence...but just check out my blog roll. And Tangent-Time: Can I just brag about my mom's blog for a sec? My writing style is very conversational. The end. But my mom's writing style? *big sigh* Her writing style perfectly laces a conversational tone with eloquence and flawlessly planned words. I swear the lady creates an intricate blueprint of words before she hits the keyboard. Bitch makes me sick. (Whoa, whoa, whoa, no one get yer panties in a twist. My mom and I are tight like that.)

10. Making sure that all of my lists go to the number 10. I almost stopped at number 6...but it felt wrong. I'm passionate about the number 10. And all other even numbers. But lists must be in multiples of five. Thank you, OCD. This would be a time when I flash you my best Mentos smile and a super enthusiastic thumbs up.

You know what else he said? He basically told jobs that ask for experienced potential employees to suck it. You know why? We already have experience. It's called L.I.F.E! (Oh, I'm so cute. I almost transitioned into a Utah Mom blog with all those periods between "life." Wait, is that a pun?)

*yeah, I get that "else's" is not grammatically correct. Cut me some slack. I'm from Utah. I call pillows "pellows," and milk "melk" whether I like it or not

**Of course this guy gets a lotta traffic on his blog. His name is Steve. Who knows a Steve they don't like? Remember my Steve Story? And remember how he saved my pure and delightsome hand from touching the balmy hand of a sweaty, nervous, possibly-in-need-of-professional-help first date? And, no offense, Steve, but your name is sort of*** generic.

***I use the phrase "sort of" when I'm either a) trying to soften the blow or b) trying to sound less sure of myself because that's a big no no in Utah. I mean, the last thing you want is to sound too sure of yourself.

Hold the phone! Er, signs...er... Shit, I'm confused.

2011-01-14T09:57:00.000-05:00

What the hell is this????

My zodiac sign has changed??? WHA???

Have you heard about this? Read it? Is it a hoax? Ohmigash, I think I'm hyperventilating and vomiting simultaneously. I've already undergone a very huge identity shift.

My ethereal pisces mind can't handle this! I've been a creative, other-wordly fish my whole life!

Er, wait. My eccentric, idealistic aquarius mind can't handle it. *pffsstsff* (the sound of me blowing my way-too-long-and-stringy-bangs outta my face)

OMG, my entire identity has changed! I'm an aquarius? What does this mean?

Apparently I went from this: intuitive, dreamy, artistic, humane, sympathetic, sensitive, compassionate, perceptive, tender, impressionable

To this: individualistic, assertive, independent, humanitarian, inventive, original, eccentric, opinionated, intellectual, idealistic, cool, friendly, detached...

Excuse me?? Detached? Pshh. Cool? Sure. Assertive, independent, intellectual, humanitarian, original? Oh stop it! You're making me blush!

Do you know what I love about all of those words to describe my old/new signs? They are ambiguously descriptive. I mean, seriously peeps, they can apply to pretty much everyone.

Okay, okay. So I'm not THAT torn up about my changing sign.

It's a damn good thing I didn't get that pisces tattoo, though...

Someone sucks at sabbaticals...

2011-01-09T01:01:00.002-05:00

Who has two thumbs and sucks at taking breaks? *sticks out thumbs and points at self* This kid!

I'm back for a sec. I can't help myself. I have two things to share...

First of all, someone who is just full of awesome (sometimes I hate using that word because it's completely lost its "awe" ifyaknowwhatImean) nominated me for a few Brodie Awards.

I really don't know how to put my appreciation/flatteredness into words.

There are so many great entries and you can vote here.

To the person who nominated me, you rock. Thank you thank you thank you. I'm just beyond words.

In other news, J from J-TWO-O sent the link to this New York Times article to me. It is incredibly interesting, well written, and worth the read. To all my still-Mormon readers, it's not offensive. Just interesting. Let me know what you think.

Thanks for the feedback!

2011-01-07T10:10:00.000-05:00

Thanks so much for the awesome comments below. Just to be clear, I don't want to stop blogging. Probably ever. I love to write, rant, share, etc. However, I'm going to take a mini sabbatical from blogging. And when I say "mini" I mean it.

Just a little refresher period. I'll be back, don't you worry.

As far as wordpress goes, judging from the comments, it might be best for me to stay put.

With that...

Foxy, out.

But just for a bit.

What do you guys think?

2011-01-06T09:20:00.002-05:00

I'm seriously tempted to transfer this blog to wordpress... Is it the ultimate bloggy blasphemy to say that while still using blogspot?

Blogspot has been great, really...but I feel that there's SO much more on wordpress. Easier to navigate, doesn't get as backed up, I can reply to individual comments which I'd really love to do...etc etc etc.

What do you guys think? Is it even possible to get over 300 blog posts to transfer to a wordpress blog? If so, how the eff do I do it??

Help?

.......................

Side note: do I have readers out there? Are there other people stalking I don't hear from? I'm kind of under the impression that blogging is dead...er, dying. Don't you think?

The blogging trend is dying... There are more popular ways to keep people updated on the little details in your life...like Twitter. And, to be honest, I kinda feel like the blogging bug is dyin' off for me as well. A wordpress blog might be exactly what I need to change things up a bit. And even then, it will likely be scant.

Whadya think? Eh?

Why I love my mom

2011-01-05T10:28:00.000-05:00

Okay, are you over the cheesy title yet? Good.

My mom recently wrote a blog post that I feel I should post here (I got permission - don't worry). She is continually writing blog posts that make me think, "Damn. I wish I wrote that." The following is a perfect example of this (perfect...no pun intended...you'll see what I mean after reading).

In my mother's words:

In Merle’s Door, Ted Kerasote provides one particularly hilarious peek into the doggy psyche. Every time Ted had to leave town on a business trip, his beautiful and independent mixed-breed dog, Merle, gave him the accusing and profoundly hurt sad puppy eyes, complete with heart-tugging doggy pout. You’re leaving me again, aren’t you. Deep sigh. Merle moped on the front porch, sad-faced, while Ted drove away feeling slightly guilty.

However, one day Ted forgot something — his wallet I believe. He turned his car around and drove back to his house, passing Merle who had apparently and completely recovered from his former deep depression and was prancing down the lane, tail up and a-wagging happily, doggy smiling even, on his way to make his daily rounds. All signs of his former deep despondency erased.

The best part. As soon as Merle saw Ted, he looked guilty and embarrassed, just like a kid who had just been caught with his paw in the cookie jar. His depression and pouting just a few minutes before was all an act and he knew he’d been caught. The way Ted Kerasote told this story made me laugh out loud. I could see the very doggy behavior he described. Dogs are joy.

Merle had personality and a huge heart. He was intelligent. He also played hilarious head-games with his owner. Was he perfect? I’d say he was perfect. Because he was himself. Who else could he be?

I have heard the expression, “No one is perfect,” all my life. I hate it. I really do. If it’s even true, is that a bad thing? What does it mean, anyway? Who defines perfection?

The idea that no one is perfect no longer rings true to me. I’m not sure it ever has. Because who gets to decide what or who is perfect? Is she someone who cooks a perfect roast? Or is she someone who can laugh at herself and order a pizza when she burns it?

Does perfection laugh, but not too loud? Does she laugh only when it’s appropriate? Who gets to decide what is appropriate? Does she have laugh lines or botox? Does she use a clothes dryer or hang a perfect clothesline? Or does she hire a maid? How many children does she have? Are they perfect, too? Does she have stretch marks? A tummy tuck?

In many religions including Mormonism, the ultimate goal for the soul is to become perfect. What the hell does that mean? I could never wrap my head around what being perfect in the religious sense — or in any sense — would look like, but my general impression was not a good one.

If my “perfection” were even possible, would I still be me? Would I even like myself? Would I have a C cup? Would I be allowed to at least quietly chuckle to myself when the assistant at the hardware store who is helping find the right screws asks me what size my nuts are? Or would that be inappropriate? Does a “perfect” person even have a sense of humor? Or do they walk around all the time with a knowing, condescending, holier-than-thou look, rolling their eyes upon hearing a joke they decide is too racy? Because I would hate that person, especially if she were me.

So when I hear the common expression, “No one is perfect,” it grates a little. Well, a lot actually. Who says no one is perfect? Maybe someone is. Maybe a lot of people are. Maybe you are. That expression suggests we are somehow consistently falling short, always striving but never achieving, perpetually less than. Maybe we should change the definition of perfection.

I found this quote attributed to Anna Quindlen. “The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.”

Another one not attributed to anyone: “A beautiful thing is never perfect.”

And this: “The artist who aims at perfection in everything achieves it in nothing.” — Eugene Delacroix

Finally: “In nature, nothing is perfect and everything is perfect. Trees can be contorted, bent in weird ways, and they’re still beautiful.” — Alice Walker

To me perfect is interesting. It is real, authentic, true. It encompasses the overdone roast, the stretch marks, the laugh lines, the children who screw up. It’s includes crying tears of frustration during the process of getting over a religion that completely raped your mind and stole your life, killed your family relationships.

Perfect is cross-country skiing and falling down in the snow, and feeling the sharp coldness of it against your cheek while deeply breathing in the clean scent of pine.

Perfect is a dog playing hilarious head-games with his owner and getting caught in the act.

Maybe being perfect has something to do with the ability to find joy in the real and the small.

Effecient money makin'

2011-01-03T11:45:00.001-05:00

1. Use the bathroom at work. Getting paid to pee?* Yes, please.
2. Remember that one Seinfeld episode where George acts busy? Yeah, do that.
3. DON'T TAKE ADVANTAGE OF DISCOUNTS. I'm not kidding. If you work at a restaurant and they'll give you half off for a meal...? They're screwing you. If you work in retail and you get a "rad" discount so you don't have to pay full price...? They're screwing you.
4. Clock in early, and clock out late. But not too early, and not too late.
5. I'm not feeling creative enough at the moment to come up with more. Who wants to make up number 5? 6? 7? ...

*I left it at "pee" because most people think poop is gross...which it is. But everybody poops. Haven't you seen that children's book?

New Year's Resolutions

2011-01-01T11:10:00.000-05:00

If I write it down, maybe I'll do them. So, here goes...

1. Practice/learn Spanish
- achieve this by sitting down once a week and going through my books and Rosetta Stone program. (Keeping up on Latin will a help, too.) Make Hussy speak to me in Spanish...sometimes.

2. Exercise five times a week
- cardio and weights/stretching (yoga) every other day. Plus, walk dogs every morning (except when it's freeeeezing...like now.)

3. Eat better!!
- don't buy shit at the grocery store! Buy the stuff that's better for me. Buying slightly pricier healthy foods will save me from medical bills, medications, etc in the long run. Only eat out once a month.

4. Keep the house clean
- make sure the house is clean every night before I go to bed. I had a friend who seriously couldn't sleep until she had cleaned her house (OCD...) but it helped her keep her house clean. Hussy and I have the tendency of letting it go for about a week. Keeping it clean throughout the week will make "Saturday Chores"/deep cleaning much easier.

5. Get a big girl job
- build a kick ass resume by gaining more experience (do this by shadowing, internships). Have someone (like my mom - the best writer in the world) proof read my cover letters and resume. Don't give up. Grab the bull by the horns. Don't get frustrated and give up even when I get turned down a gagillion times. Network. Find a niche.

6. Save money!!
- Stick to my budget!! Don't spend money every day on something small like Starbucks or Pretzel Maker (yeah, that is my "lunch" almost every single day - so I should take a lunch to work). In the Automatic Millionaire, the author says this is a big no no. If you put the same $5-$10 you were spending every day on food in savings instead, you'd have $1,300-$2,600 extra in savings at the end of the year. INSANE (to me, at least. I guess for some people that's pocket change). Only buy something if I need it. And I mean NEED! Set aside a teeny, tiny fund each month so I can spend it on things I want. If I don't want anything one month, just keep lettin' it build in my savings account.

7. Turn these goals (the ones that apply) into habits.
- Hrmm...I might need a chart. With gold stars or smiley face stickers. And some sort of prize at the end of each week... Yeah, I like that plan. Any suggestions for prizes since I'm trying to eat healthy and save money?

8. Do more service
- volunteer at the local animal shelter...don't tell Hussy. I cry just about every time I leave that place. He's not big fan of that. Keep my eyes open for other opportunities.

Things that don't require an explanation:

9. Finish my children's book
10. Get Netflix

A list for mature humans

2010-12-29T10:26:00.000-05:00

I found this lovely list here.
Truths For Mature Humans

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? **** it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.

31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my *** everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

Anything to add??

Appropriate behavior on the job

2010-12-28T10:07:00.002-05:00

Or anywhere else for that matter...

I'd like to pose some questions: Is it okay for you to put someone in their place? Stand your ground? Let someone know you will not be pushed around? Let them know that their behavior is out of line?

Whether it's your spouse, parent, in laws, friend...OR

YOUR BOSS??

When is it appropriate to look your boss in the face and say, "You just made a mistake and your behavior was inappropriate. Now, give me a raise, dammit!" ???

I recently encountered this very scenario. Now, admittedly, I wish I had handled it better. However, I'm glad I handled it. There was some inappropriate behavior on my bosses end (no, not of the sexual harassment variety) and I called my boss out...and demanded a raise.

And I got it. And a promotion.

I apparently did something right...but what was it? Does my boss respect me more knowing that I won't take any crap? That I'm assertive? When do you think you, as an employee, are crossing a line? When is your boss crossing a line? How do you know?

On that note, when/where/why/how do you put your parents in their place? When is it appropriate?

What about in laws? Do you think it's your spouse's responsibility to fix the problem because they are his or her parents? If you answered, "not always," what scenarios make it appropriate for you to call your in laws out?

What about your friends?

I'm just curious. Mostly because I've had a lot of people tell me in more words that honesty is a bad thing...

...That you should never tell someone when they have offended you (intentionally or unintentionally). To never say, "Hey, just because I haven't been around as long as you, doesn't mean I'm not as smart as you. Don't treat me like I'm stupid." I mean, how do you say that to your parents?? I'm lucky with my mom but there are some parents who will never, ever get that their kids...aren't kids anymore.

I was raised to lay things out in the open. Call someone out and fix the problem before a mole hill becomes a mountain. Before your own resentment (as well as the person's in question) becomes too much to handle...

I did this with my boss and got a raise and a promotion...

What do you guys think?

Whadja get?

2010-12-28T01:20:00.000-05:00

Christmas is all about GETTING!! Kidding. But seriously, I am pretty pleased with my Christmas haul. We got spoiled by the parents.

The best part? Hussy and I got to hang out with my mama and her significant other.

Howz 'bout youz guyz? (Sorry about the "z"s. But hey, I like the way they make me feel like I could be in the mafia).

*Just a little FYI, Christmas kinda sucks for people who work in retail, so if you plan to go shopping, return/exchange something, whatevs, please be nice. I've worked with my fair share of awful customers this weekend and I'm about ready to write a big looooong essay on appropriate customer etiquette. Customer service, customer shmervice...blah blah blah...we try our best, but when you're a douche, you make our jobs reeeaaal hard and we just ain't paid enough. Ahem. Thanks.

TOMORROW IS CHRISTMAS EVE!!!

2010-12-23T11:05:00.000-05:00

Okay, sorry to be Mrs. Obvious...BUT TOMORROW IS CHRISTMAS EVE!!! What are your Christmas Eve traditions?

I will definitely be drinking hot chocolate and eating a candy cane simultaneously. Yes, I WILL be stirring the hot chocolate with el candy cane-0. I will also be listening to Christmas music while finishing up my gift wrapping during the day... And the night brings a special treat...

......

Getcho mind outta the guttah! :)

I'll be watching the Muppet Christmas Carol. Stoked. Happens every Christmas Eve.

With that, I'll be outta the blogosphere for a few days celebrating the Holidays, peeps.

Merry Christmas!!

Racism...

2010-12-21T10:14:00.000-05:00

Hussy and I went to dinner with a couple I didn't particularly like the other night.

We had gone to dinner with them before but they lost major points with me when they told me they LOVE Glenn Beck. Ew.

They lost even more points when the guy kept telling me how much le huzbund loves hunting. Double ew.

And even more...when they started to make fun of Indians. No, not of the Native-American variety. Middle Easterners. While talking to Hussy, le huzbund said, "Dude, you won't ever have to worry about Indians in dental school. They all go to med school." Umm, why are you telling Hussy that?? He likes everyone...

But, hey. Everyone deserves a second chance, right?

So we went to dinner with them again.

We went to a pretty authentic Mexican restaurant. (ahem...no, not Chili's) Best. Salsa. Ever. SO good! This place is only *barely* Americanized.

They first lost points with me when they wouldn't branch out and try any of the really authentic, DELICIOUS meals. "Ew. What is this?" "Ugh. I can't even say it." "It has what in it?" "Corn tortillas...? Gross." "Umm...I'll just get the quesadillas...hold the peppers and other stuff. Just chicken and cheese." If you're a picky eater, whatever. I don't care. But you guys know what I'm talkin' 'bout.

I about lost it when le wifey started telling a story about her work. This girl works at a dermatology office and apparently an Indian baby girl needed to get something removed with a laser. She related the following story in the most smug, nonchalant tone I've ever heard: "Seriously, though! This is so funny! This Indian family came into work with their infant daughter to get [whateveritwas] removed and they were just jib-jabberin' the whole time! Haha! Like trying to calm their daughter down! Sounded so funny! 'Gabba-dabba-dobble-lalala-jooo-hib-i-dod-alsdkfjalskdjflaskdjf.' Pure jibberish! Haha!"

I'm not kidding. SHE MADE FUN OF THEIR LANGUAGE!!! AH!!!!

Just curious, how do you think we sound to them?

You know that, although English has Latin roots, it's a Germanic language, right? We use a whole lotta "k," "g," "t," "d," "s," "v," "z," and "j" sounds. Our language is very guttural. Where languages spoken in India like Hindi and Tamil are very smooth...YOU KNOW??

Even more curious, if you're not American, how do you think we sound? Feel free to make fun all you want. I'm genuinely curious to find out what others think of the American accent. Our words. Our food. Our manner, even. Be totally honest.

My take on Elizabeth Smart

2010-12-20T09:46:00.005-05:00

I'm just going to come right out and say it: there is something very, very fishy about that girl's testimony. Some things just don't add up.

In her testimony she says that she was in control of her mind the whole time. That she even told her captor that she had had a "revelation" to go back to Utah in an attempt to manipulate him.

Now, before anyone gets their panties in a twist, there is no doubt in my mind that Brian David Mitchell should be behind bars. I also feel that Elizabeth Smart was handed a pretty ugly card at the tender age of 14 and that she is an incredibly strong girl (tangent: how is Mitchell any different from Joseph Smith? Some of you will say, "Joseph was called of GOD!" Yeah, Brian David Mitchell thought so, too, and was doing EXACTLY what Joseph Smith was doing to 14 year old girls...sleeping with them and telling them it was necessary to be his "spiritual wife" for their exaltation - even writing his own scripture. Others will say, "Joseph didn't kidnap his wives!" You're right. He sent their husbands and fathers away on missions to get them alone instead. Am I wrong?)

I was barely older than Elizabeth Smart when she was kidnapped. At just 16 I wasn't paying attention to shady details in the case. Just the basic facts: kidnapped, presumed dead, found 9 months later, miracle. The end.

The first time I looked at the Smart case as a brainwashing rather than just a kidnapping was when I read Under the Banner of Heaven. Jon Krakauer explains that Elizabeth had a much easier time staying with Mitchell because his language sounded exactly like what her church had taught her for her entire life. That really got me thinking.

For those familiar with the case, there is no denying that Brian David Mitchell has a very prophetic way of speaking (have you read his scriptures? I found an interesting article on it months ago and the original link would have taken you here http://www.deseretnews.com/.../Much-of-Brian-David-Mitchells-writings-coincide-with-Mormon-teachings-BYU-professor-testifies.html but if you click on that now, you will get an error message. The title of the article? Much of Brian David Mitchell's Writings Coincide with Mormon Teachings. Deseret News is a church owned Newspaper. Does anyone else find it completely shady that an article comparing a scary, crazed, kidnapping, child molester's scripture to that of Joseph Smith's was taken down?? A comparison like that would have made the church look bad...so some genius in the church's PR department had them take it down. Very, VERY shady).

The first thing that doesn't add up in the case is the fact that Smart stayed with her rapist/kidnapper/husband/prophet for NINE MONTHS. Often times they were at parties or somewhere else in public. She totally could have pulled someone aside, taken off her veil and told them she was Elizabeth Smart and to call the authorities right away. She never did.

The second thing that doesn't add up, the fact that she was in Utah and someone else had to find her. She never gave herself away in her home state when she knew people were looking for her. I'd like to think if it were me and I wasn't brainwashed, I'd run home or expose my face in a public place. She never did.

When Elizabeth Smart was finally found, it took some convincing on the authorities part to get Smart to tell them who she was. And even then all she said was, "Thou sayist." Why did they need to coax her true identity out of her?? If she was totally under control she would have screamed at the top of her lungs, "Yes, yes! I'm Elizabeth Smart!" Or something... And she would've done it months earlier. In addition, Brian David Mitchell trusted her to not run away in her home state of Utah. Another thing that doesn't add up. They were in Utah and he KNEW she wouldn't expose herself. It was pure chance that she was found. An incredibly good and observant person's phone call exposed the trio.

The officers who rescued her were initially very concerned about Elizabeth because of how concerned she was for her captors. In the back of the police car she kept saying, "What's going to happen to them? Are they going to be alright?" Anyone in their right mind would say, "Put that guy behind bars!" Sure, Elizabeth is saying that now...but why was she concerned for her captors for so long?

I genuinely believe that the reason why her testimony made her seem so empowered against her captor is because she NEEDED that. I think the poor girl is still very vulnerable and to be totally honest in public about the fact that she doesn't understand why she stayed with him and that she was brainwashed...well, that would make her look like less of a hero - to herself and others. It could break the poor girl.

My mom (an attorney) has had a lot of cases where Mormon women will take a guy to court for raping them...when, in fact, they weren't raped. They met online or something, met in a secluded place, things started heating up on both ends, and one thing led to another. My mom has told me about so many cases and it seems incredibly obvious to me that the woman consented. However, her case is SO believable because she genuinely believes she was raped. Because if she wasn't raped, that makes her "skanky" in her own eyes which destroys her self image. If she thinks she's a good Mormon girl but then she has sex before marriage - the sin next to murder - well that ain't gonna fly with her self image. She's gotta get rid of some cognitive dissonance to maintain her good Mormon girl persona so she tells people she was raped and begins to truly believes her own story.

I think this is kind of what happened to Elizabeth Smart.

Saying that she possibly had Stockholm Syndrome and had developed a twisted bond to her captors destroys her self image. I think that's exactly what happened in the Elizabeth Smart case. For anyone who remembers her kidnapping, how long she was missing and presumed dead, and her rescue...and then they watch this case...? There is something very fishy. Someone who is in enough control of that kind of situation to be able to manipulate their own captor wouldn't have stayed with them for almost a year. That just doesn't add up.

With that being said, I completely agree with the verdict. Brian David Mitchell needs to be behind bars and what I'm saying about the case would likely not have any effect on the outcome of the case. Nor would it change the fact that Elizabeth Smart is an incredibly strong young woman who has overcome insurmountable odds. I'm just sayin'...

Another mind change

2010-12-18T21:23:00.003-05:00

Chapter headings in the online version of the Book of Mormon have been changed by LDS Church officials, eliminating vestiges of racist theology that linked dark skin to spiritual accursedness. (Joanna Brooks)

Hrmmm...

If it meant something, why'd ya change it? If it didn't mean something, why'd ya teach it? And is the church more true now? Or more true then...?

This has nothing to do with "modern revelation." Because ya'll can admit, that's a huge doctrinal change. It's been taught since Joseph Smith started to teach it. A huge change like that seems like a bit of a stretch. I mean, they've come full circle. Dark skin is a curse...or it's not? YA KNOW??

Sounds to me like the church is just trying to mainstream...

Top ten greatest things about blogging

2010-12-17T10:08:00.002-05:00

10. Hussy doesn't usually read it so I can say exactly what I think about him (the dirty whore...)
9. Being behind a computer makes me think I can say what I want...
8. ...so I say what I want.
7. "Blog" is the ugliest word in the world - but I dig it.
6. I could be totally lying and you'd never know. I mean, what if I'm a creepy, old, retired dude just looking for a laugh?? (umm...I'm not. I promise. However, retirement sounds good...)
5. It can be like scrapbooking - without the scrapbook. And the money. And the cheesiness.
4. I can essentially "talk" to an audience while picking my nose at the same time and no one knows.
3. I can blog about people who suck - in not too much detail. Even if they never read it, at least I feel better.
2. My blog is waaay better than that bitch's from high school. Yeah, I said it.
1. I can blog in my underpants. Or naked.

What're your top tens?

Why some people suck

2010-12-16T11:05:00.006-05:00

There is a certain person in my life who treats me like a child. I LOVE it. Oh man, being patronized is awesome! This person continues to be competitive and passive aggressive about things too silly to argue about. YaknowwhatImean??

Guaranteed there's a person just like this in your life. You know, the person who feels entitled to answer your question even when you didn't ask. Because they are all-knowing. Like God. In their own minds...

Okay, okay. Now I'm just being passive aggressive.

I wanna know, though, why do you think some people feel the need to be this way? Do you think they're threatened by you? Is it just their personality? Are they being competitive or trying to hurt your feelings?

Thoughts?

Everyone needs to read this

2010-12-15T11:15:00.001-05:00

I genuinely hope this post has a huge impact. HUGE.

Wait, you didn't click on the link? Here it is again...

And again...

And again...

Did you read it? Every word? All the way through?

Thoughts?

Grrrr (no - not the angry kind)

2010-12-14T10:04:00.001-05:00

I just glanced at the screen to see my Physical Fitness Progress tab (which is going nowhere - not the tab, but my physical fitness "progress...") and my Contact tab right night to each other.*

My brain immediately registered "physical contact."

Grrrr (to be said while rolling the tongue - this isn't an angry "grrr.")

Where's my Hussy at?? *Looks from side to side*

*Reading this post will not change your life. Sorry. However, clicking on my new music tab might...

My child will have this...

2010-12-13T10:00:00.002-05:00

Adorable, no?

I found it here.

I can't help myself

2010-12-12T11:01:00.000-05:00

Brittany wants to know my opinion on the following video:

I know, I know. I said I wouldn't talk about c.h.u.r.c.h. but I can't help myself with this one.

At first, I was speechless...and then the flashbacks of my childhood sent me to my "security corner" where I simultaneously rocked back and forth, sucked my thumb while twisting my hair, and hummed church hymns. Scary.

You know why??

These girls NAILED it! From the shot of Movies 8 to the line "eighteen, clueless, and baby hungry." I don't know about you, but as a devout Mormon, I was baby hungry at the tender age of 10.

-Layered shirts with sweat marks: check
-Marrying a "tree" as long as it went on a mission: check. I mean, who cares if the guy's a douche?? HE SERVED A MISSION!! There must be some goodness in him somewhere, right? I'm sure it has nothing to do with the ultra strong cultural expectation or the fact that the missionary's parents promised to buy him a car...
-Big hair: check. I've mentioned the Utah Poof a gazillion times.
-Crazy, righteous personalities: check. I mean, c'mon. The girl slapping her legs crazily at the beginning of the video...I'm pretty sure there were at least a hundred and fifty of those at my high school.
-Plan a first date, and they plan your eternity: check. Don't tell me you didn't match up your name with the last names of your suitors. Always. Date or not. (Yes, I AM speaking from experience.)
-The most common major for women at BYU is a "MRS" degree: ahem...check. No offense to the women who went there and got a real education, but don't tell me that you went there solely for your major... You went to meet moremans...mormens...mormons...whatevs.
-The creepy pimp in the video: as much as I'd like to not say "check" there are some weird dudes in Provo. I dated more of them than I'd like to admit. I'm hoping they all become way rich so I can blackmail them when I need the money. I've got some pretty good stuff on these guys. Like the one kid who told me I'd look good pregnant...when I was 19. (I mean, C'MON!! I WAS NINETEEN!!!) And the other kid who tried to say "I wanna kiss you" in a different language...that he didn't know. Puhleeeaaase!

ANYway...what do you guys think?

Oh dear...

2010-12-10T09:25:00.004-05:00

I've never been one to click on "next blog" because I already know the blogs I like...they're in my blog roll (or I blog stalk it weekly). Today, I decided to click.

Every blog I "nexted" was a c.h.u.r.c.h. blog (maybe if I put periods between every letter, the word won't be recognized...?) Either a R.e.l.i.e.f. S.o.c.i.e.t.y. P.r.e.s.i.d.e.n.t., P.a.s.t.o.r., or just someone lovin' on GEE OH DEE.

Excuse le french, but OH S.H.I.T! Do blogs have to have themes??

I don't want my blog to be about {SEE AYCH YOU ARE SEE AYCH}...if you're catching my drift. So, I'm going to delete a tab or two to stop this madness (or try to). If you're interested in some of the links I've posted, email me at foxypinkcheetah@gmail.com and I'll send them to you.

My blog theme is...erm ... me ... and a little bit of Hussy, and our feisty rat terriers. One day, babies...

Cool? Is it okay for me to be a bit of a narcissist on my blog? I mean, that's what it's for, right?

Other than that, have a fantastic weekend. I'm out for few days, peeps.

I failed with Montain Dew

2010-12-09T10:28:00.001-05:00

My feminist side has been manifesting itself for a very long time. Long before I left Mormonism. (FYI, I'm mostly just a feminist in Utah...outside of Utah it's called "having respect for one's self - kind of how "moderate" here means "very liberal").

When I first graduated high school I worked as a receptionist at [that one place I can't legally name]. I encountered a whole lotta weirdos at this place. Weirdos and douche bags. One in particular will stick in my mind forever. I don't think I'll ever forget his name...

Jason Lang* came into the office demanding to see his attorney at least once a week. He'd call everyday as well. Jason just thought he was sooo important. The whole office was expected to drop everything they were doing to help this guy out. I couldn't stand him.

On one particular day he came in with a woman. A very girlish woman. She seemed young, innocent, and sweet. She was kind of homely, quiet, shy, and apparently wanted to snag a guy so bad, she'd do anything for him. Even if it meant having no opinion or standing up for what she believed in. *Foxy tsks while pursing her lips and shaking her finger*

Jason then slams down the lingerie issue of Victoria Secret and begins to loudly point out which provocative lacy things he likes best. The poor girl just awkwardly smiled and nodded. I rolled my eyes. He then demands to see his attorney who I page promptly in an attempt to get Jason out of the office asap. Jason then looks at me and says, "We'd like two Mountain Dews." Although getting drinks for people was part of my job as a receptionist, I was irked by his smugness. Plus, he ordered for her. Gag me. I immediately looked at this shy girl and said, "We have more than Mountain Dew. What do you want?" In attempt to please her douche-bag man, she said, "Oh, Mountain Dew is fine." Sure it is, sweetheart (pronounce with a Brooklyn accent: "sweedawt")

I went back to the kitchen and picked up two Mountain Dews...and got an idea. I hate Jason. Hate him. And the way he was so smugly treating that poor girl was really getting on my nerves. So, I began to vigorously shake one of the Mountain Dews.

I nonchalantly walked back to my desk and gently handed the two drinks to Jason Lang and his...whatever you want to call her. And I stood back - knowing full well that I'd be the one to clean up any mess...and not caring. As long as it got all over Jason's very nice and expensive suit. Bring on the mess.

They opened their cans of soda pop....AND NOTHING HAPPENED!!! BAH!! I FAILED!! I had shaken the drink too much. SO anti-climatic.

Jason left the room with his soda pop to speak with his attorney. I've always been a very nosy person so I looked at Jason's girly-play-thing and, attempting to sound like I just wanted to small-talk, asked, "So, how long have you guys known each other?"

Girly-play-thing: "Just about a month."

Me: "How'd you guys meet?"

Girly-play-thing: "We met through LDSsingles.com. I'm excited because he's taking me on a business trip to Australia!"

Ahem...you know what "business" means, right?

Me: "Fun..."

But really I'm thinking, "DUUUUUDE!!! You met at LDSsingles.com!! You've only known each other a month and you're letting him order your drinks, boss you around, and tell you what pretty lacy thing to wear when you go to Australia??" *Foxy snaps three times* "Uh-uh, girlfriend!"

At this point I was pretty pissed that the Mountain Dew didn't explode all over this guy.

*Names have been changed.

How'd I miss this??

2010-12-08T11:15:00.001-05:00

Is she seeerious???

"You don't have to rich or famous to be unforgettable...ha...ha..."

One of the comments on the video mentioned that this would be a great drag queen theme song. I totally agree...and now have plans for a drag party. Awesome.

The way she talks in the song kind of reminds me of the guy Hussy introduced me to when we were dating.

Are you ready for this?

This video just has the lyrics...because I'm not comfortable posting the video here. Feel free to youtube it...but I promise you'll see some Gunther booty and girls caressing each other's boobs. So, umm...viewer discretion advised.

I like my peeps.

2010-12-07T09:34:00.003-05:00

You know those blogs that get SO many comments and you know that blog ain't any better than yours but yours isn't thriving like that other one?

I keep trying to figure this out...and I think I've finally put my finger on it:

We've got some bloggy-brown-nosers on our hands (ahem...for those of you who get offended easily; No, it's not you. And no, it's not everyone. Just some people.)

People comment on the blogs that get the most hits in an attempt to market their own...or hope that the person in charge of the blog will click on their link and love their blog so much that they'll market for them and put the commenter's blog in their blog roll.

Damn, blogging politics.

This makes me really appreciate my loyal commenters. Glad you're commenting strictly to show your support, love, friendship, and/or because you have something to say. Not kiss my ass. I think I'll stick with you guys.*

*This is my completely awkward attempt at letting you guys know I really like the little blogging community I have come to know. I have internet friends and I dig it. Was I as awkward as I think?

O-H!!! I-O!!

2010-12-06T10:34:00.002-05:00

And the school we chose is...

OHIO STATE!!!

WOOOO!!!

I know, I know that school wasn't even a choice on the voting list but Hussy didn't get an interview invite until after I posted it...sooo...

We were both pretty stoked about UCONN in Connecticut...and sure, we can hold out and wait for some other person to reject the offer they got from UCONN so we can take their spot...but, meh. We feel really, really good about Ohio. We both had our reservations about UCONN for different reasons. Our only reservation about Ohio State (besides the fact that I was like, "Wait - isn't Ohio just like Kansas??") was the fact that Hussy has to take one additional class for it.

But when Hussy got the call really (really really really) early in the morning from Ohio State, we jumped up and down in the living room for a good ten minutes. Ahhhh...it feels SO good to not be in "limbo" anymore.

And check out these pictures! Columbus, Ohio is NOT like Kansas. I am pleased...

Holy SMOKES, we're excited!! Columbus, Ohio, here we come!!

Drum roll, please

2010-12-03T10:48:00.001-05:00

Hussy got accepted to......(pdrudpdpurdpudr - that is my best attempt at trying to spell the sound of a drum roll)...

In the order we found out:

1. Case Western in Cleveland, Ohio
2. Ohio State in Columbus, Ohio
3. UCONN in Farmington, Connecticut (wait listed)
4. Marquette in Milwaukee, Wisconsin (wait listed)
5. UNLV in Las Vegas, Nevada
6. Midwestern in Glendale, Arizona
7. ASDOH in Mesa, Arizona (wait listed)

And the place we chose is...(drum roll again...purdpudpurpdupudrpud)....

You know how on American Idol you have to wait for the commercial break to find out who's kicked off the show and who's staying...? Yeah. We're gonna have a weekend long commercial break :)

Happy weekend!!